Sunday, July 18, 2004

a girl who i once considered my closest friend just called me. we became not-friends a year or so ago, and this is the first contact initiated by either of us. i'm a little freaked out. ok, i'm more than a little freaked out, i'm *very* freaked out.
i seriously thought that i'd never in a million years hear from her. it's just so unlike her to call me. what does she want from me? what is her motive? my heart is racing, and i feel a bit shaky.
i've spent so much time wishing that she'd just get out of my life (we have mutual friends, and 'friends', you see) and suddenly she's back in a big way. i don't know whether i want this. but a small part of me is excited at the prospect of spending time with her again. because i have missed her, and i've spent a lot of time thinking about our friendship.
i'm not sure whether i can do this with her. i've been happier without the bullshit she created. but still it lingers, and maybe this is my chance to sort some of it out. surely if she called me she may be willing to actually talk about it?but maybe not, with her it is so hard to tell. perhaps she wants to pretend it never happened.
perhaps i do too. but i know that eventually it'd get to be too much to avoid, and i'd have to say something. this is too much right now. too fucking much.

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