Thursday, April 29, 2004

it was ok. pleasant. nice. (all those words which sum up to mean, well, nothing much)
feel pretty blah about the whole experience. yes, we got along fine. didn't really click in that old way. probably not enough time before he leaves again to rebuild a decent friendship.
i'm not sure i want to write a lot about it on here, at least not at the moment while i'm still unsure of how i feel.
spent most of the day moping around work (not actually working, just there for the company). am not feeling that great. surprise.
i have a sneaking suspicion that if i went to a doctor some sort of medication would be suggested. it's not really healthy to be this sad for this amount of time. this is the longest spell of down-ness i've had in a ages... and today is the first day i haven't cried in at least a couple of weeks.
what do you do? well, i guess you keep plodding along, and keep hoping things will start making sense again. fingers crossed.

Love Sick

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

tomorrow i'm meeting up with someone i haven't seen in a year and a half. i'm a bit scared. he's someone who i once cared a great deal for. a good friend. and yes, there is more to the story, but i don't feel like writing about it. except to say that i was pretty cut up when he left town.
i feel like such a wreck at the moment, and i'm worried i'm going to come across as a fucked-up freak with very little going for me. which is probably true, but i'm not sure if i want him to realise that straight away.
actually i don't know what i want him to realise. i don't know what *i* want to realise. what if we don't get on anymore? i'd hate that.
what if i, ahem, fall for him again? no, that's a very bad thought. i have enough emotional turmoil as it is. no more is needed at the moment.
probably it'll be fine seeing him; we'll have a good catch-up, he'll leave, and things will get back to 'normal'. i should stop thinking about this.
if our [short] phone conversation is anything to go by, it'll be sweet tomorrow.
i'll let you know...
*wish me luck?*
can't be arsed writing a proper post, you'll have to make do with this...
...nearly wet myself.

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

Adopt your own useless blob!

i've adopted a blob! yay, a new friend! Spacefem is cool! i apparently am an attack banana. who would have thought?
i've discovered a very good book. 'in the devil's garden' by stuart lee allen (the coffee guy). it's fascinating! written in sections that correspond to the 7 deadly sins.
some very kinky things in the lust section. like this... The Marquis de Sade
recommends a simple breakfast: a plain omelet served piping hot on the buttocks of a naked woman and eaten with "an exceedingly sharp fork".
love it! there's also some fabulous recipes that i intend to try out. one for a south american chocolate drink. with chili peppers. yum. to be served in a gold-lined tortoise shell.
i'm starting to get nervous about who's reading this thing. i don't want that to happen, i want this to be as 'real' as it can be. that means not
worrying about opinions... a bit hard. it's okay with the "strangers", i'm just
worried about [some of] the friends and family who have this web address. eeek!
i may go and meet carlene in bangkok in november. just a thought at this stage. it'd probably be for about 2 weeks. if i started saving all my excess pay now i could totally do it. 6 months.
funny how a 2 line text message can ignite all sorts of ideas, plans, dreams... ah, the human mind is a bizarre and wonderful thing. of course, my other option is to go and see jeff in sydney. also very tempting.
already i'm missing him heaps. only a week! already this is the longest we've not seen each other in the entirety of our friendship. weird.
at a party i made the mistake of going to the night he left it was kindly brought to my attention by someone that "people come and go". who the fuck says that shit??? yeah, real helpfull. thanks a million. she then went on to say that maybe i should move to sydney... to which i replied that that was hardly the point, and anyway i didn't actually want to because i have a really great job here that i love. and a life.
"but you could get something like it [the job] over there"
"ah, no i couldn't."
"oh my god, guess WHAT?!? i'm leaving in 15 days!"
"yeah? where are you going?"
"spain. i've got a one-way ticket"
"oh, that's great!"
"you HAVE to come to my going away party"
"er, yeah, i'll check my diary..."

[yes, a one way ticket! great it really fucking is...]

damn it, why am i so honest when people ask me how i am? it'd be so much easier to smile and say "fine thanks"... but i JUST CAN'T DO IT! it's so pathetic and fake and superficial and pointless! if i don't want to know how people ACTUALLY are, i don't ask the question. grrr, humans are so lame.
not all humans. i've been spending quite a bit of time with 2 very un-lame women of late.
on thursday ami and i went and had coffee at the Cup, where we took much delight in texting ariel, and drawing strange pictures...
then we went and delivered aforementioned pictures to aforementioned ariel. ate freshly roasted chestnuts with her and her canadian friend, and generally made ourselves at home. ami and i were very giggly, not entirely sure why. but good to feel so happy, it'd been a while. we found a hit cat on the way home, so took it to the after-hours vet. hope it's okay. it seemed to be getting livlier when we left. i rang the spca the next day, it was still alive.
i've been drinking too much. well, not to much really, but definately too frequently. gin. just enough to "take the edge off". bad day on saturday, much crying. [aaargh! get a grip!]
first cigarette in nearly 2 years. first game of backgammon ever. i won. ariel taught me well. i'd like to draw her i think. how hard it is, though, to honestly capture soul and personality on paper.
i'm rambling.

Monday, April 26, 2004

is a
Garlic-Eating Fez Monkey

...with a Battle Rating of 7.2

To see if your Food-Eating Battle Monkey can
defeat frogbitch, enter your name:

so, at last i can blog at home. very cool. better think of something good to say...
(yeah, right)

Thursday, April 22, 2004

i have a day off work. what to do with it? no doubt i'll go in to work anyway. sigh.
don't feel like being at home on my own at the moment. don't really feel like socialising with my friends though. don't feel like anything much. it's all a bit blah today.
what would be perfect? ummm..
watching a good film (maybe frida?) in a ridiculously comfortable armchair, with gin. and the knowledge that i wouldn't have a hangover the next day. yes, well that ain't gonna happen.
i'm toying with the idea of going to bangkok for a couple of weeks at the end of the year. or maybe somewhere else. haven't had a holiday as such in a very long time. like, never. unless family holidays to the peninsula count?
fuck, there's this dickhead sitting a few seats down from me playing some shoot 'em up game with the sound turned up really high. aaargh!
would it be inappropriate to kill him?

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

Friday, April 16, 2004

well, an interesting couple of days i've just had. and when i say interesting i really mean AWFUL but i'm disguising it with that disguise-all-real-opinions word "interesting".
yesterday consisted of coffee with two old friends, followed by a visit to work (day off... but where else would i rather be??), closely followed by a large amount of crying. and some staring at nothing. and more crying. yes, at work. i tried to leave but they wouldn't let me. probably a good thing, no doubt i would have managed to kill myself or someone else if i'd tried to drive in that state. lucky for me my work buddies are looking out for me! not surprisingly i wasn't the only one feeling crap, so the 3 of us ended up going to the beach to clear our heads. or something. it kinda worked i think. and marce was great when i got home, made me dinner. i sometimes forget what a good friend he is.
today started off much better, got to work at about 9, worked solidly for most of the day, stopped to think for a minute, and experienced a severe case of brain-meltdown. not so good after that.
and now here i am at my parents' house, secluded in the study with this faintly buzzing box, trying to get my head together.
and in other exciting news... fishboy is out of here[hair] like a bald man on sunday. wooo. [note the sarcasm] gonna miss that boy...
too much probably. damn it, i get too close to people. need to keep distance. keep safe. shit.

Wednesday, April 14, 2004


have a book published.

speak fluent spanish.

juggle 3 chainsaws whilst singing the french national anthem and rolling a spliff with my toes. okay, maybe not. but surely there must be more than 2 things i want to do in this life time? eek! need more ambition!

Tuesday, April 13, 2004


okay, that's out of my system now. happy happy joy joy, little blue birds singing in the tree tops, snowflakes that melt on my nose and eyelashes, brown paper packages tied up with string...
... you gotta love a singing nun.
oh how i look forward to the day when i'm sitting in the comfort of my own cave writing, rather than in this godforsaken community centre full of the dregs of society. shit, i really need to be more tolerant. at least it's cheap...
i've been finding blogging hard lately. i don't really want this to be a whole bunch of mindless whinging, but whenever i sit down to write all that wants to come out is sad mopey stuff. bah.
so i'm going to write something good now. perhaps not interesting, but not depressed.
okay, here goes: i discovered in my bookshelf a really great wholefoods recipe book that i'd forgotten i'd bought ages ago. yay! just the sort of thing that'll come in handy for all the winter dinner parties i intend to have. yes, you'll all be invited (though you may need to remind me...).
and i'm slowly turning my house into mexico. it's looking good. i'm doing a series of mexicana paintings, just simple colourful things that give a bit of atmosphere to my otherwise drab living room. feel free to donate any cacti, sombreros, mariachi bands that you happen to have lying around... they'll be greatly appreciated. oh, and books. ones about mexico, chile, peru, nachos, llamas, coke barons. ;-)and original frida kahlo's will be accepted too. thanks heaps.

Friday, April 02, 2004

yesterday i spent approximately 5 hours at work AFTER MY SHIFT ENDED. just because i couldn't think of a better alternative. it's my haven at the moment... it's easier to be at work than to be in the rest of my life.
it's my dad's birthday today. i'm at their place now. it was the last place i wanted to come after work, and when i arrived i bumped into my into my brother on the street... he's just had a huge fight with dad. so, you can imagine how much i was looking forward to venturing inside. anyways, i bit the bullet, hid all signs of my own emotional fragility (more than usual today, i've spent a lot of time trying not to cry, and feeling useless), and braved the potential wrath of my dear papa. turns out he was more sad and worried (my bro was obviously on drugs, my dad worries) than angry, which of course is a hundred times worse.
***fuck this, i'm leaving.
someone please write and tell me that i'm great. or at least bearable. SOS!