FUCK

it HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRTS
and i don't know how to deal with the pain.
i'm sick of being hurt, and i'm sick of having to be strong.
it hurts so so much, i want to disappear and never have to deal with any of this again. i want to not exist anymore.

LIFE AT 32

SETTING THE SCENE:
Bex is getting a massage from Marcel in his room. i'm hanging out online feeling seedy.

*there is a knock on the front door...
i go to answer it. it's our landlady, SW*

Me: hi

SW:hi, i was wondering if Bex was around, she called earlier

Me:erm, yeah, i'm not sure...

*marcel walks out of his room*

SW: hi Marcel

Marcel: hi

SW: do you know if Bex is here?

Marcel: *looking back at his door* yeah, she's just getting dressed

Me: *blushes* ha ha

SW: *blushes* er...

Me: *laughs* ahem

*Bex walks out of Marcel's room looking a little dazed*

Bex: well that's embarassing

*sniggering from me and Marcel*

*look of astonishment and embarassment from SW*

*much awkward 'aheming' and suchlike from all present*

and here's where it gets even funnier... Bex didn't realise that Marcel hadn't actually explained that he was giving her a massage... so it looks as bad as it could possibly have looked. :-D

all WOF'd up and nowhere to go

a na na na na na naaaaaaaaa
eroica got her warrANT
(sing it... you know you want to)

*exxxxcellent*

received this congratulatory text from father dearest: "great wof result i've just joined gym to build scary megalegs"

family dinner last night... the usual mixture of painfully mundane conversation and cringeworthy random comments from my mother. of course i managed to be totally inappropriate before i thought about what i was saying. the conversation was about cell phones and theGoodDoctor was telling us that apparently men shouldn't carry their phones in their pockets, because they heat the testicles and can lead to sterility. to which i loudly blurted out "and that's a bad thing?"
oopsie... *blushes*
well fuck it. i was going out of my mind sitting there quietly while my sydney cousins yapped on about the glory that is glassons, and their latest job opportunities in the big smoke. *yawn*
i spent the majority of the eveing staring out the window at the passing birds and cars and, well, anything else i could fix my steely gaze upon. managed to limit my escapes to only two. sure, it's normal to spend 15 minutes in the toilet, right? (well, ok, i was checking out the organic vege garden.. but they didn't know that)
o yucky yucky yuck. family is so aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrgh!
but my dear sweet squash has returned from afar, and i have a smile on my face.

3 words for the day:

panache 1. a dashing manner; style; swagger.
2. a feathered plume on a helmet.

ring-dyke n. a dyke having an approximately circular outcrop of rock.

pandowdy U.S. a deep-dish pie made from fruit, esp. apples, with a cake topping.

*~*~*~*
not so good at writing on here of late. did ya notice? [humour me, come on... just say yes]
life is being, well, life-ish. it tends to get in the way of the important stuff (blogging of course. right?).
ok, i'll give you a bit more than that.
reasons i'm not posting much: time. i don't seem to have any of it these days. not that i'm complaining, at least i'm not complaining a lot. yet. spending a good deal of my "free" time with someone who i care very much for... who i'm not entirely comfortable writing about on here. so there's another reason. the stuff that's important in my life of late is stuff that i don't really want to divulge here. and the other stuff is BLOODY WORK DRAMAS which i'm sure are better kept inside my head... no need for you poor readers to be subjected to that.
*gnashes teeth*

still not doing any art (though feeling closer to action than i have in a while)
stressing about $$. need to be doing more hours at work, but am hating the damn place... and the subsequent miserable paychecks make me grumpier.
papa dearest is back from his latest adventure... bright eyed and bushy tailed... and requesting my company a little too often. i was kinda hoping that his reinstatement into the family castle would give me a bit of breathing space from ma. no doubt they're feeling neglected, but right now i just don't care. i'm getting very choosy about who i spend my precious time with, and being related to me doesn't give automatic rights. :-)
got a new flattie... and another moving in in a week or so. sad that bex is going (off to a sun and booze filled aussie summer with a bunch of her nursing mates... do you too find that hilariously cliched? a porn film just waiting to be made. o wait... they already made that one).
getting a whole lot better at eating again *wahoooo*. food doesn't make me scrunch up my pretty wee nose in quite the same way that it did for the last 6 or so months. a very much needed improvement. how here's a tale for you: one day last week i managed to eat two whole bunches of asparagus. yes, 2 in a day. haven't been quite so keen to devour it since.

ok, now i'm gonna think of 3 good things to add to this post... not going to think too hard, whatever pops into my head in the next minute or two.
...thinking...
...thinking still...
...give me another few seconds...
ukiyo-e, images of the floating world. love it. here's a good one for you... yes, right here. click on it!
crisp new drawing pad and pencils i bought today as a present for myself (yum)
rapunzel's bittersweet chocolate. mmm.