FOR y

ok, a sneak preview for you y: we work together, it's totally inappropriate to be snogging in the back shed, but we do it anyhow. often. with gusto. and the element of danger is in turn exhilarating and exhausting.
and we're just useless at being discreet, those huge old smiles are a dead giveaway. but we just can't seem to help ourselves. eep.

MORE

i told y i'd update. so here i am... unsure of what to say. of how much to say. people read this thing, ya know? people who actually know me. it's a little daunting. cramps my writing style at times. this is one of those times.
so, i'll say this for now: i am having a lot of fun with someone who i find incredibly sexy. it's good to be laughing and smiling again. and it's complicated. and i'm going to australia at the end of the week for THREE WHOLE WEEKS. without her. with my ex instead.
life, huh. funny thing.
but i'm smiling, and i'm enjoying myself, and the clandestine nature of the 'happenings' makes life very interesting. i'll let you know more when i have more idea of what this is all about.
xx

*SOFT SIGH*

so, we all need a friend to play the kissing game with, right?
*just keep trying to make believe it's all normal*
this girl is, um... beautiful, adorable, edible, delicious.
i like making new friends.
i'm all soft and gentle and not fully here. time to curl up in bed and smile myself to sleep.
good night, people of blogland.
x

PLAYTIME

playing is such fun. i've missed this. we should all have friends we can play with.

4am UPDATE

nearly 4am. can't sleep. buzzing head. smiling still. just wish i could sleeeep! makes the time go faster. i want faster time! now! schnell!
*yawn*
how can i be yawning when as soon as i shut my eyes i get all awake again?!?!

FRIDAY Q, TUESDAY MADNESS.

FQ LOVER: How would somebody go about winning your heart?

A marigold under my windscreen wiper when i finish work would do it.

*small smile*

A GOOD DAY

think fits of giggles. think lame jokes. think cheeky looks. think random physicalness for no reason. think big fucking grin!

(a day like this is *so* what i needed, hooray for blatant flirting with attractive women. one in particular.)

THE SITUATION TODAY

What I am feeling about my 'situation' at the moment:

• anger
  
• sadness
  
• rage
  
• paranoia
  
• insecurity
  
• apathy
  

What I am doing about it:

• seething
  
• planning homicide
  
• (and maybe suicide)
  
• ignoring
  
• dwelling
  
• whimpering
  

What I'm being told to do about it:

• be gentle with myself (bah)
  
• get out!
  
• cut contact with all involved
  
• fuck someone else
  
• get used to it
  
• meditate
  

Other useful things people are telling me:

• I told you so
  
• love is hard
  
• life has ups and downs
  
• it'll get easier
  
• you'll be ok
  
• you are a loser
  

What I want to say to those 'helpful' people:

• fuck off
  
• fuck off
  
• fuck off
  
• I know this shit already
  
• fuck off
  
• fuck off now please. thank you.
  

WHAT DO I DO NOW?

i've had this sort of plan, right, to go to auckland for a few months later this year. but now it looks like my plan could be very much foiled, as the person i was wanting to get away from for a while has been shortlisted for her dream job... yes, in auckers.
and of course i'm very happy for her, it's such a great thing that she got shortlisted... and she's amazingly good at what she does and no doubt they'll fall over themselves to hire her...
but the selfish part of me is upset about it. i *need* auckland, at least the possibility of it, to keep me sane at the moment.
i need some sort of a plan, some sort of an escape, and for me at the moment it's auckland that's calling. and of course i could still go, no problems, and still see her once in a while... or more often, as i'm sure we'd both be feeling the loneliness. but that isn't really the point, i wanted to be going somewhere where she wasn't, that forced separation. i don't know how to get over her if i see her all the time. at the moment it's fine, i'm making small steps away from her... and at some poit i'm aware that i'm going to need a bigger cleaner break to get myself back to being me, and being single, and being happy about it.
god, i feel like such a shit for writing this, like i should be purely wholeheartedly supportive... and like i shouldn't say or write anything that may make her feel bad for [maybe] getting this great job.
but i'm just a little despondent and deflated right now.
i don't want it to look like i'm following her to auckland, if that's how things work out. and the other thing: if she gets the job... no holiday with her in brisbane. the other thing i'm holding onto for sanity's sake. i'll still go, but it'll be weird. fucksticks.
*sigh*