Monday, May 02, 2005


i've had this sort of plan, right, to go to auckland for a few months later this year. but now it looks like my plan could be very much foiled, as the person i was wanting to get away from for a while has been shortlisted for her dream job... yes, in auckers.
and of course i'm very happy for her, it's such a great thing that she got shortlisted... and she's amazingly good at what she does and no doubt they'll fall over themselves to hire her...
but the selfish part of me is upset about it. i *need* auckland, at least the possibility of it, to keep me sane at the moment.
i need some sort of a plan, some sort of an escape, and for me at the moment it's auckland that's calling. and of course i could still go, no problems, and still see her once in a while... or more often, as i'm sure we'd both be feeling the loneliness. but that isn't really the point, i wanted to be going somewhere where she wasn't, that forced separation. i don't know how to get over her if i see her all the time. at the moment it's fine, i'm making small steps away from her... and at some poit i'm aware that i'm going to need a bigger cleaner break to get myself back to being me, and being single, and being happy about it.
god, i feel like such a shit for writing this, like i should be purely wholeheartedly supportive... and like i shouldn't say or write anything that may make her feel bad for [maybe] getting this great job.
but i'm just a little despondent and deflated right now.
i don't want it to look like i'm following her to auckland, if that's how things work out. and the other thing: if she gets the job... no holiday with her in brisbane. the other thing i'm holding onto for sanity's sake. i'll still go, but it'll be weird. fucksticks.

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