darlings, wish me luck and love.
i'm off to find out if my girl is still my girl.
and, i'm frightened.
x

THERE'S A HOLE iN MY CHEST

here's an excerpt from a letter i'm writing to vanessa.
(v, shut your eyes if you think it'll spoil the real-live-letter experience in a few weeks)

"going through some hard stuff with that girl of mine. after 3+ weeks on her own she's realised she hasn't dealt with the whole marriage ending thing. and now she doesn't know whether she can be with me while she goes through the inevitable grieving. so i'm sad and i'm upset and i'm more than a little fucked off. i knew we'd come up against this at some point. i know what i want: i want her (us?) to figure out how to deal with that stuff without throwing away what we've got. because we have a DAMN good thing going and it hasn't yet run it's course. no WAY is this thing over yet.
vanessa, thinking that in a week she may decide we can't be together brings tears to my eyes. thinking about what i might do, all the great opportunities i have if that is the case, brings tears to my eyes. i'm not ready to end this. i still want her (becasue ti's the wanting, not the needing, that's important right? need isn't a good enough reason to stay in a relationship that hurts like this). anyway, i think i'd be too weak to end it with her even if i did think it was wise. and too stubborn - i have this stubborn urge to prove that all the shit we went throught at the beginning (and now) was worth it. that this isn't a painful 9 month affair, destined to leave me in pieces. this has GOT to be more than that. and it is. it's love, and the love hasn't ended so why should the relationship?"

i've spent the day wandering sightlessly through hot noisy streets, holding back tears. this isn't where i thought i'd be today.

HAPPY BiRTHDAY TO MY FAVOURiTE BOY

[artwork by the charming and mulit-talented michelle]

what to say about darling sweet jeff today. birthday boyo... super-friend extraordinaire, partner in crime, coffee buddy, the other half of my joke, bloody irritating prat... all that good stuff wrapped up in a very pleasing package. (hehe, did i say package? *g*)
j, you in turn brighten my days, and lurk in the dark corners with me when i don't have any desire for sunshine. you listen to me ramble, you tell me to get a grip, you laugh at me, you laugh with me. hell, i laugh at you too to be fair.
we've got a good thing going, kiddo.
and there's lots more chapters to come, i promise. you're in my heart tonight as i write this, wishing i could be there with you to celebrate. i'm sending you my deepest love, and you can cash in on birthday hugs when you're next here.
i love you babe.
e

THiNGS i'M ENJOYiNG TODAY:

from etcher, this

from duncancumming.co.uk, this and this (*drool*)

and my word of the week is psithurism... the sound of the wind in the trees.

WHAT'S iN A NAME?

one of the female speed skaters competing in the winter olympics is called Manli Wang.
*giggling*

GETTiNG ARTY ON iT

colour explosion
Originally uploaded by enyahs.

today i did a workshop on printmaking.
i'd show you, but i've managed to delete the programme which enables me to upload photos from my camera. so until i find the cd, i'm going to have to make do with other peoples pictures. cheers, enyahs.
anyhoo, the workshop was good. the room was airless and about a million degrees, i think the heat induced hallucinations helped with the creative process.

SWEET DREAMS

i dreamt last night that i'd killed someone.
it wasn't the killing that was the nightmare, but the consequences of my action. police interviews and the widespread implications it had for myself and those around me. the knowledge that i would forever more be that woman who killed someone. and no escape, a police record that'd stop me from ever travelling away from here.
it brought on such an enormous feeling of helplessness and hopelessness.
*shudder*
i'm left feeling dirty and sore inside.

WATCH FOR SPiKES

hey, talk to me. i'm miserable.
i've had a shit day, preceded by a shit night, and a few other shit days.
my girl is halfway up the country, having a blast, and here i am stuck in my wee life. working, working on a fucking building site, in the RAIN. this is meant to be the hottest driest month in chch, damn it.
it's getting to me. it's making me all scratchy inside, i feel like i have claws beneath my skin just about ready to break through, snag people, retreat back in. leaving infected scars all round.
fuck i'm sick of being me today. fuck i'm so SICK of it.
i'm sick of giving so much to people, sick of having so much demanded of me. sick of training staff, sick of keeping the smily face on and holding back the snarl. sick of even the people i enjoy day to day.
sick of those nice customers who make it impossible to resent them.
sick of workmates who need reassurance, sick of workmates who need someone to bitch to about the ones who need reassurance.
sick of missing trace.
sick of the way i feel about it all.
sick to fucking death of this pitiful life i'm struggling through at the moment.
give me a fucking BREAK!.
give me a tank of petrol and a remote destination.
give me something, please?
yes you,
please.

OH YEAH, YOU KNOW YOU WANT iT

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Frogstar!

1. Banging your head against frogstar uses 150 calories an hour.
2. If you toss frogstar 10000 times, she will not land heads 5000 times, but more like 4950, because her head weighs more and thus ends up on the bottom!
3. It is impossible to fold frogstar more than seven times.
4. Cats use their frogstar to test whether a space is large enough for them to fit through.
5. Frogstar can squeeze her entire body through a hole the size of her beak.
6. Ninety-six percent of all candles sold are purchased by frogstar.
7. Frogstar was first grown in America by the grandmother Maria Ann Smith, from whom her name comes.
8. The water in oceans is four times less salty than the water in frogstar!
9. About 100 people choke to death on frogstar each year.
10. While performing her duties as queen, Cleopatra sometimes dressed up as frogstar!

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

MAJOR PROCRASTiNATOR, THAT'S ME

quizzykins via fishboy via krimsonlake via someone else...
(i feel no shame in posting this quiz, it's my day off damnnit and i intend to waste it!) (or at least some of it. after all, there are still gherkins to be pickled)

You scored as English. You should be an English major! Your passion lies in writing and expressing yourself creatively, and you hate it when you are inhibited from doing so. Pursue that interest of yours! Linguistics 83% English 83% Art 83% Journalism 75% Sociology 67% Theater 67% Dance 58% Biology 58% Anthropology 58% Psychology 50% Philosophy 50% Mathematics 42% Chemistry 25% Engineering 17% What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!<3) created with QuizFarm.com