THERE'S A HOLE iN MY CHEST

here's an excerpt from a letter i'm writing to vanessa.
(v, shut your eyes if you think it'll spoil the real-live-letter experience in a few weeks)

"going through some hard stuff with that girl of mine. after 3+ weeks on her own she's realised she hasn't dealt with the whole marriage ending thing. and now she doesn't know whether she can be with me while she goes through the inevitable grieving. so i'm sad and i'm upset and i'm more than a little fucked off. i knew we'd come up against this at some point. i know what i want: i want her (us?) to figure out how to deal with that stuff without throwing away what we've got. because we have a DAMN good thing going and it hasn't yet run it's course. no WAY is this thing over yet.
vanessa, thinking that in a week she may decide we can't be together brings tears to my eyes. thinking about what i might do, all the great opportunities i have if that is the case, brings tears to my eyes. i'm not ready to end this. i still want her (becasue ti's the wanting, not the needing, that's important right? need isn't a good enough reason to stay in a relationship that hurts like this). anyway, i think i'd be too weak to end it with her even if i did think it was wise. and too stubborn - i have this stubborn urge to prove that all the shit we went throught at the beginning (and now) was worth it. that this isn't a painful 9 month affair, destined to leave me in pieces. this has GOT to be more than that. and it is. it's love, and the love hasn't ended so why should the relationship?"

i've spent the day wandering sightlessly through hot noisy streets, holding back tears. this isn't where i thought i'd be today.