I'M WRITING THIS FOR ME, NOT YOU. BUT YOU'RE WELCOME TO READ IT.

*i don't want to feel uninvolved.
*i don't want to feel unloved by my 'best friend'.
*i don't want to feel ugly and boring.
*i don't want to feel surly and fun-killing.
~ i don't want to feel like alex.
*i don't want to feel untouchable and unlovable.
*i don't want to be sitting here writing this unhappy list because i can't remember how to have fun. or i can't bring myself to have their kind of fun.
*i don't want to be where i am. i'm lost.

THERE, I SAID IT.

i think that i'm happy, then i sit down by myself and i find that i'm not. i'm not happy, i'm not sure i know what it means anymore. because there's so much underlying bullshit that taints my every thought, every action. this hideous self-loathing. it stretches out in all directions, poisoning every friendship, every hope or dream, every achievement. i laugh bitterly at my every move. i'm laughing at myself now, writing this. what's the point? i feel like a fraud, like a fake, an imposter.