today i went on a shopping mission with my mother. it was not a pleasant experience. firstly i had a few moments of pannicked terror on the drive to the shopping-hell-land, i'm sure there are rules about indicating and such like? or perhaps they don't apply to middle aged kindergarten teachers driving racey alfa romeos...? she's the sort of driver that pisses me off when i'm on the road anywhere near them. so, not a good start to the day. and to make matters *way* worse she'd turned up at my place before i'd had time to make a coffee. you can imagine that my levels of tolerance were already diminished...
and the actual shopping: yuck. crap sweat-shop shoes, crying kids, angry white-trash mums, superficial sales assistants. just the usual. how is it that i forget how awful it is between shopping trips? and that pressure to buy something because otherwise your 'spree' will be unsuccessful. gaaaa!
so please, dear friends, if i ever mention to you that i'm thinking of going shopping with my ma TIE ME TO A CHAIR AND DO EVERYTHING WITHIN YOUR POWER TO STOP ME! thanks.

This internet life is sucking me in. Not that I’m complaining, I like it. Have had a few conversations about it with various people, about whether you can be as close to people on the net as you can in 'meatspace'. I’m as yet undecided. I probably need to spend more time with my net-buddies and see how things pan out. There's a lot of good things about it, I like that it's all very much "when I damn well want to".
Here's news: I’ve been accepted into the Piko Co-op! yay! And apparently it was a unanimous big thumbs up. I was expecting to get in, but actually knowing for sure is a fucking good feeling. The place is definitely starting to feel like home, I think that's a good thing. I figure that if I’m going to be a wage-slave (!) I’d at least like to be enslaved somewhere that I can feel good about being. And Piko is definitely like that.
I like the ‘family’ feel of the place. [look, I’m not being cynical!] Last night I went to a party at one of the girls’ houses and spent most of my time talking with Sabine. Wholly enjoyable, it was really good to get the chance to get to know her better. And she gives a damn good hug… ;-)
And today Ariel was there, it’s always really good working with her. Well actually we weren’t really working together, but her company is always appreciated. Funny how the two people I enjoy the most are the two who I hardly ever get to work with. A bit of a shame really.

Mmm, vanilla good.

you must choose is a brilliant website. rediscovered it recently, it's awful and great at the same time. so at last i've figured out how to do those link-thingies... 3 points for me.

Here's something that really had me laughing, check out the comments on GreenFairy's Feb 23rd post... oh my god!

And just one more thing... check out this page if you want to find out about someone who has really inspired me for a long time.

happy hugs to lovely people
(having a not-so-cynical day... god knows why)
Big Fish was great, go see it.

i've spent so much bloody time wandering around cyber-land that now i've forgotten what i was going to write about. my typing's getting good though...
i'm off to see 'Big Fish' tonight with fishboy (how appropriate). hope it's as good as it looks.
so, who can tell me how to lift heavy boxes to head level without rupturing ones spleen (or other important bits)? my back is so sore. damn physical labour. and whoever would've thought that eroica would end up in a job which required some element of physical ability? hah.
i'm half way through my 7th week at Piko, which means that in a week or so i'll be yayed or nayed by the co-op crew, thus becoming a member or not. eek!
had sabine for a packing buddy this morning, very nice. god, i did nearly 4 hours of packing today, i don't know how i managed it! 3 hours is *definately* enough. after that that madness starts to set in...
something i learned today: sucanat is evaporated cane juice. cool. i can still taste it in the back of my throat. not co cool.
oh, how's this for sweet? a friend came out with this a couple of weeks ago:

"i didn't want to become friends with you because i was so busy, but i just liked you! i don't know what to do about it!"

lucky for me she couldn't help herself, because she's become a very good friend! ha ha, funny girl. i was thinking today about girl versus guy friends. whether there is much fundamental difference. i'll get back to you on that one.
good bye my pretties, take care.
xx

I ADMIT IT, I'M A TERRIBLE FRIEND...
this is stil really bugging me. i forgot jeff's birthday. i feel so SHIT! and i still can't actually get my head around how i managed to totally forget, it's so not me. i'm the one who people come to when they can't remember their mum's birthdays, because i'm *sure* to know. aaargh! i've let the side down. so, jeff, once again i'll tell you how very sorry i am and how much i love and appreciate you. 50 million much. really. so now you all know, i've failed miserably. :-(

a new entry, at last! hooray!
life, as usual, has been a bunch of conflicting and confusing emotions of late. what fun. actually, fun isn't the overriding feeling of the last few weeks. more along the lines of depression and angst.
went to a wedding on saturday. steve and v. it was nice. but i'm still not tempted to get hitched. a certain someone (yes, i'm refering to jeff) managed to arrive after the ceremony had finished... well done. we were all very impressed. [hah]
oh that's right, i was going to write about our anti-valentines day party. the printer smashing went okay. as in, it got smashed. other than that the experience wasn't that great. the photos are funny though, especially the before and after shots. jeff scared me. hadn't seen him doing anything katate-ish before. yikes! and then we went our separate ways and i got horrendously drunk with the girls (was v's hens night) and regretted it all the next day. see, that's why i don't drink. the hangover totaly out weighs the actual drunkness. erk.
shit, this entry is a load of crap. i'm stopping now.

just did a personality-disorder test. here's what it said...

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Moderate
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Very High
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Low
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: Low
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: Low

URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/disorder_information2.html

there's a lot that's hurting at the moment. not drastically, just insistently. and i've got no fucking time to do the stuff i really want to do (like this!).
i need time out. out of mind, preferrably.
frank, i'm going to write about the j+a stuff in the other place. too public here.
taylor, if you happen to read this: stop treating dana like shit! she's worth so much more than you in EVERY WAY! i mean that.
goodbye.
x

i know there's other things i've said i'd write about, but at the moment i want to tell you all about what a freaking moron i can be.
you know how i've mentioned that woman at work who i have a bit of a thing for (hah, bit)? well i was out last night having coffee with a few of the girls (my darlings!) and she walked in. [be still, my heart...] so i got up to say hi and this is what came out of my mouth: "hi! i've been thinking about you all day!"
Doh!
it just kinda popped out. and i somehow managed to save myself and the situation, but i have no idea what i actually said. what a fucking slip! anyways, she said that she'd been thinking about me too (aaargh!), presumably in relation to work-related stuff. ha ha, ain't life a ball. saw her today, tried not to flirt (it was hard!).
and, to make yesterday even more bizarre, i told a customer i was stalking them... a joke obviously... and they didn't laugh. oh fuck. just one of those days. :-)

here's something cool, and oddly fitting: let me set the scene. to those of you who don't know, one of my nicknames is Bobo. i was having a [lame]conversation with my [very quiet] flatmate this morning and somehow got onto Spanish names. so, i got out my Spanish/English dictionary and this is what i found: "Bobo a. silly, stupid. m. idiot, fool."
ha ha, hahah hahah ha. ha ha. i like that. when i go to south america i will be known by some as the village idiot. excellent!

here's a story for you:

"Once upon a time in a land of drifting rain there lived a girl. This girl spent many hours standing in the rain, thinking her thoughts, watching the green frogs in the lily pond. Sometimes others would come and stand with her, though quickly most would retreat back into the warmth of their houses. The girl could understand this, and every so often her tears mingled with the sweet drifting rain because she knew what it was to be alone."

oh what a beautiful morning... shame i have to work today. bah!
had a very strange day at work yesterday. towards the end of the day i began to find everything(!) terribly amusing, resulting in bouts of that uncontrollable laughter that bursts out at the seams because you're trying so hard not to give in to it. almost scared myself. yeah, i kind of did scare myself.
and then i spent about 3 hours helping in a full scale puppy-search. hope he's turned up safe and sound, lisa and steve were pretty stressed. :-(
i've been listening to a lot of kd lang lately. not entirely unusual. though perhaps more consciously at the moment. shit, this is doing my head in. attraction, it pops up in the most bizarre places. and there's so little that can be done about it! i had a laugh with my flatmate the other night about our similar-but-not situations. he's always having crazy times in relationships, i'm always having crazy times out of relationships. i am finding life very amusing at the moment. i think it's rather a case of laughing or crying, and i'm choosing to laugh at the moment. though there has been some crying too.
still finding the jeff and alex thing pretty hard.
it's hard to describe emotional pain. but there is a physical sensation, isn't there? i feel like my chest is caving in. slowly and inevitably. that's the best i can do at describing it.

i feel the need to rant some more about a certain person who was a friend for a long time and now isn't. yeah, you know who i mean. don't really have anything in particular to rant about, just a big misshapen bag of emotional crap. still have lots of resentment, more than i expected. it's all coming to the surface again...
perhaps i'll just not deal with anything that's going on in my head/life. that's worked, er, well in the past. heee. because of that kind of shit i moved to australia for a year. and of course nothing fundamental had changed when i got home... though it was a fucking brilliant year. lots of random snogs (eek! i was so young and stupid!) which have made for lots of random stories (god, how many times have i told the one about falling down the steps at the train station?). carlene, my travelling buddy. how i miss her. how i love her. (hello babe, if you're reading!)
i was feeling pretty low when i arrived at work today. and so were a couple of my workmates. that helped. and i don't mean i was happy that they were feeling shit, but it was nice to feel that affinity with them. i'm growing to care about these people.
i guess i'm just not very happy at the moment. sigh.

ps. he didn't shag her. phew.

gaaa. i hurt. i've had a really shitty headache for the last couple of days and it's just not fucking LEAVING!!! am pissed off and my neck hurts and i just spent a frustrating 3 hours at work [check out my new link!] on my own getting more confused by the moment. nothing is ever straight-forward is it?
and i had a big argument with flatmate last night, about the usual bullshit stuff: rubbish and recycling and dishes and the fact that he's a lazy asshole and i'm a controlling bitch (all true, i do admit). though one good thing came of it, i thought "fuck this" and decided to make a call i've been thinking about for a while. so, i talked to Greg for the first time in over a year. wow. weird. good. he sounds like a bloody aussie! anyways, it was really good to talk to him and i'm extra-looking-forward-to seeing him in may.
i'm in desperate need of a decent coffee, so i'm going to go and hunt one down right about now. ish. yep, probably in a couple of minutes. hmm.

A bit about my ART. Because Frank asked. I paint, mostly. And I stencil, print, sculpt, scratch, spray. And I make a bit of jewellery when the mood takes me, and once in a while I even try out something random like embroidery (actually quite a cool medium, despite the old-lady connotations). At the moment there hasn’t been much of anything getting created. I think a big part of that is due to starting a new job and feeling like I have no time for myself (hah, what a cliché) at present. Thought hopefully as I get into the routine of working I’ll also get back into the routine of finding time to create. *mwah hah hah, I shall once again be the CREATOR*
I just had a thought (quit your sniggering). It’d be cool to get more computer savvy and create some sort of an online art gallery of my stuff. Hmm, something to ponder on.

Sister is now flying. Flap flap. Had rather a horrid drive to the airport in rush hour traffic with too little petrol and a grumpy and unpleasant father. The usual. Somehow it nearly always ends up being me who tries to keep everyone sane and on speaking terms. Rather than yelling/crying/gibbering terms. Dad can be such a prick. Just doesn’t get that it totally wasn’t the time or place to get stressed and pick a fight with mum, Helen quite obviously (or so I thought) didn’t need that added emotional shit to deal with. I’m pretty pissed off with the old man. And at the same time I can see why he acts that way, and I know that a lot of the time he thinks that Helen doesn’t care about him. Which of course is bullshit, but it’s hardly my place to try and sort that pile of steaming shite out. Oh god, why do I even bother…
did you know that this week is "Fuck Nike Week"? Unofficially of course. There have been reports of some interesting stencilled messages around Christchurch. Good for whoever is behind them, I like vandalism with a cause. ;-)
Ses called me last night. Ses, for those of you who don’t know, is a lovely boy I met briefly on his last day in NZ (bloody typical, but that’s another story). He lives in England. And he’s nice. Nice. Perhaps you are aware of how I feel about ‘nice’? I won’t elaborate here. Was sweet of him to call, it’d been ages since we last spoke. I’m sure he had more of an accent than he used to. Sounded more African. Weird.
My head hurts from eating too many green and yellow jellybeans, I’m going to post this and get the flock out of here.
xx

just a note to the esteemable Frank: finaly replied to your comment on the post from jan 18, my apologies for missing it till now!

Hello. ‘Tis me, yes. Surprised? Ah well, maybe next time. How are you all, my dears?
;-)
I feel quite anxious and even slightly emotionally tumultuous today. Perhaps in part due to the 4 coffees I’ve consumed. Perhaps in part due to the fact that my little sis is back off to Italy tomorrow, not to be seen for a long long time. And definitely partly because I have so little control over so many things. Yes, people and destinies (though I’m not entirely sure I even believe in that concept). And I know, too, that I shouldn’t want to control this stuff… but I do! I feel so helpless and fearful. Bugger. Fuck. Arse. It’s so damned hard being a human being! So much complex bullshit to deal with on a daily basis. People, aaargh! I know a few people who relate to that, and at times like this I appreciate them more than ever. I don’t want to pretend that I love everyone and everything, because at the moment I don’t. and people see it as such a bad thing to be cynical and jaded, but I see it as a sane thing.
I’m going to really miss Helen. Though, on a brighter note, I got a text from a friend in Australia saying that she’s headed home. Good-oh. Will be cool to see the little slapper… (heh heh. I’m half joking…)
As to the other things on my overcrowded mind, they’ll have to just hang out for a while. There’s fuck all I can do about any of it really. Must try and stop thinking and feeling, it’s bad for me.
I bid you adieu.
X

Friendship. A ship full of friends. Often heading out towards the horizon rather than the shore. *[snigger. That’s so lame]*
Have been feeling a tad alone of late. Sure, I have lots of dear friends. And lately it feels like things are changing with many of them, and I’m not sure what the future holds. Usually I like that uncertainty. At the moment things seem a bit bleak. I was pretty unhappy about that kind of stuff last night, wasn’t sure if a "friend" actually liked me much. Turns out he does still like me, relief! I have a lot of love for this person and I hope that he knows how great I think he is. Even when he’s being mean or grumpy or smelly. Maybe especially then, I figure that in a way that’s a sign of a good friendship. Liking someone even when they smell and say nasty things. Ha ha. Though, being honest here, I’d like to hear nice things once in a while too. ;-) [xxx]
Anyways. Dunedin was good, rainy, cold, quiet (note to self: try to get into the city before 3am if in search of a night-life). The art was cool. And the basket of wooden blocks in the corridor by the toilets provided a welcome break from the intellectual arty stuff. We made a pyramid. And got some funny looks. Well worth it. Actually, in my experience, if I get weird looks from strangers while doing something it usually means it’s something good to do. Down with normality! Down with conformity! Down with escalators!