yes
things
have
changed
again
***

i'm
sore
but
coping
***

mending
slowly

i'll
get
there
***

HUMMMMMMMMMMM bug

**mumble mumble~*~something christmassy~*~mumble mumble**

HEAR YE...

it's official... i forget *everyone's* birthdays... including my blog's.
yup, that's right: this wee playground for my slightly bewildering (and often bewildered) mind has just turned ONE! on the 12th dec. go me!
*grins sheepishly*

happy birthday to meeeee....

want some cake?

FUCK

it HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRTS
and i don't know how to deal with the pain.
i'm sick of being hurt, and i'm sick of having to be strong.
it hurts so so much, i want to disappear and never have to deal with any of this again. i want to not exist anymore.

LIFE AT 32

SETTING THE SCENE:
Bex is getting a massage from Marcel in his room. i'm hanging out online feeling seedy.

*there is a knock on the front door...
i go to answer it. it's our landlady, SW*

Me: hi

SW:hi, i was wondering if Bex was around, she called earlier

Me:erm, yeah, i'm not sure...

*marcel walks out of his room*

SW: hi Marcel

Marcel: hi

SW: do you know if Bex is here?

Marcel: *looking back at his door* yeah, she's just getting dressed

Me: *blushes* ha ha

SW: *blushes* er...

Me: *laughs* ahem

*Bex walks out of Marcel's room looking a little dazed*

Bex: well that's embarassing

*sniggering from me and Marcel*

*look of astonishment and embarassment from SW*

*much awkward 'aheming' and suchlike from all present*

and here's where it gets even funnier... Bex didn't realise that Marcel hadn't actually explained that he was giving her a massage... so it looks as bad as it could possibly have looked. :-D

all WOF'd up and nowhere to go

a na na na na na naaaaaaaaa
eroica got her warrANT
(sing it... you know you want to)

*exxxxcellent*

received this congratulatory text from father dearest: "great wof result i've just joined gym to build scary megalegs"

family dinner last night... the usual mixture of painfully mundane conversation and cringeworthy random comments from my mother. of course i managed to be totally inappropriate before i thought about what i was saying. the conversation was about cell phones and theGoodDoctor was telling us that apparently men shouldn't carry their phones in their pockets, because they heat the testicles and can lead to sterility. to which i loudly blurted out "and that's a bad thing?"
oopsie... *blushes*
well fuck it. i was going out of my mind sitting there quietly while my sydney cousins yapped on about the glory that is glassons, and their latest job opportunities in the big smoke. *yawn*
i spent the majority of the eveing staring out the window at the passing birds and cars and, well, anything else i could fix my steely gaze upon. managed to limit my escapes to only two. sure, it's normal to spend 15 minutes in the toilet, right? (well, ok, i was checking out the organic vege garden.. but they didn't know that)
o yucky yucky yuck. family is so aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrgh!
but my dear sweet squash has returned from afar, and i have a smile on my face.

3 words for the day:

panache 1. a dashing manner; style; swagger.
2. a feathered plume on a helmet.

ring-dyke n. a dyke having an approximately circular outcrop of rock.

pandowdy U.S. a deep-dish pie made from fruit, esp. apples, with a cake topping.

*~*~*~*
not so good at writing on here of late. did ya notice? [humour me, come on... just say yes]
life is being, well, life-ish. it tends to get in the way of the important stuff (blogging of course. right?).
ok, i'll give you a bit more than that.
reasons i'm not posting much: time. i don't seem to have any of it these days. not that i'm complaining, at least i'm not complaining a lot. yet. spending a good deal of my "free" time with someone who i care very much for... who i'm not entirely comfortable writing about on here. so there's another reason. the stuff that's important in my life of late is stuff that i don't really want to divulge here. and the other stuff is BLOODY WORK DRAMAS which i'm sure are better kept inside my head... no need for you poor readers to be subjected to that.
*gnashes teeth*

still not doing any art (though feeling closer to action than i have in a while)
stressing about $$. need to be doing more hours at work, but am hating the damn place... and the subsequent miserable paychecks make me grumpier.
papa dearest is back from his latest adventure... bright eyed and bushy tailed... and requesting my company a little too often. i was kinda hoping that his reinstatement into the family castle would give me a bit of breathing space from ma. no doubt they're feeling neglected, but right now i just don't care. i'm getting very choosy about who i spend my precious time with, and being related to me doesn't give automatic rights. :-)
got a new flattie... and another moving in in a week or so. sad that bex is going (off to a sun and booze filled aussie summer with a bunch of her nursing mates... do you too find that hilariously cliched? a porn film just waiting to be made. o wait... they already made that one).
getting a whole lot better at eating again *wahoooo*. food doesn't make me scrunch up my pretty wee nose in quite the same way that it did for the last 6 or so months. a very much needed improvement. how here's a tale for you: one day last week i managed to eat two whole bunches of asparagus. yes, 2 in a day. haven't been quite so keen to devour it since.

ok, now i'm gonna think of 3 good things to add to this post... not going to think too hard, whatever pops into my head in the next minute or two.
...thinking...
...thinking still...
...give me another few seconds...
ukiyo-e, images of the floating world. love it. here's a good one for you... yes, right here. click on it!
crisp new drawing pad and pencils i bought today as a present for myself (yum)
rapunzel's bittersweet chocolate. mmm.

BLATANT RIP-OFF

*sniggers while thieving the love monkey's latest post... it's as much mine as yours hunnybunch...*

freaky love monkey says:
on a completely other note - you seen tequila mockingbird's halloween header? very cute

frogstar says:
nope...

freaky love monkey says:
she has the _best_ fonts ever

frogstar says:
i'm gonna have a squizz now

freaky love monkey says:
eww

freaky love monkey says:
oh, a _squizz_

frogstar says:
ooooooooo! cute!

frogstar says:
she writes so well....

freaky love monkey says:
soooo well

freaky love monkey says:
*jealous*

frogstar says:
*jealous too*

freaky love monkey says:
yeah well.. we should probably just get off our arses and write _anything_ for our own blogs..

freaky love monkey says:
crap, my last post was over a week ago..

freaky love monkey says:
and yours was a quizz on hand guns!

freaky love monkey says:
weirdo

frogstar says:
heh

frogstar says:
give me a topic and i'll write a post right now

freaky love monkey says:
what happened to the 'trees I have hugged' idea?

frogstar says:
i need a botanical dictionary for that

freaky love monkey says:
*eyebrow*

freaky love monkey says:
oo-er

frogstar says:
pinus radiata, and all that jazz

freaky love monkey says:
*sniggers* you said pinus

MMM, GUNS....

Sig Sauer P226. Greatest gun ever! Feel special.
Beautiful and reliable but can still scare the
living bejesus outta anyone.


What handgun are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

HERE, NOW

a new day, a new look. greener and blacker. like the chocolate... mmmmmm. but i digress...
hooray for a fishbrain to be picked like a chicken carcass.
thoughts of the ferrety one, and mister shall-take-no-bull... and the girl who pieces the picture together. *mmm*
bad dreams, fucking with my waking hours, missed encounter with a very old and very dear friend, hesitency about another imminent reunion.
a haunting photo on my desktop, a few too many phonecalls to return (but i don't WANT to), a myriad of images in my head that i hope will make it onto paper one day.
two glasses of red wine down (a little too sweet, but the fire and company made it all very pleasant), and a drive home to look forward to.
sweet dreams, my pretties.
x

o, sorry, i've lost all previous comments... don't blame me, i'm at a loss when it comes to hinky-templatular issues.

here i am: home from a truly awful staff meeting
stood up for my opinion
resulting in tears for me

received a love letter

felt self destructive
let my alter ego wreak havoc in my life

made love to a beautiful woman
was made love to in return

didn't eat enough
but answered some questions

drew for the first time in i don't know how long

decided to let myself be weak and ask for help...
but it wasn't available

mr. Phish returns.. yay.
this frog is happy.

don't know what to write... things have very much changed...
i've got a girl... not the person i was posting about a couple of weeks ago... looks bad huh? but it's not bad, it's really very good.
*sigh*

POST FOR THE HIGHLY ESTEEMABLE FISHY

****
30% of all asian newly-weds met at the scene of a car accident... not necessarily their own.
fact via bex via rdu, 8/09/2004
****
worst typo of the week: zealand, spelled "zea;llaealand"
****
christchurch is "too hot and too fast paced" ~merle&neil
****
on library stairs:
he: gidyerv
Me: chim
****

here's the deal, avid readers... i feel like i got nothing to say at the moment. so i'm finding it hard to post. however, if you want to see some more of my rambling on here... tell me and i'll write you a post. kapish?
i'll be even happier if you give me some idea of what you'd like me to write about too... that's how lacking my inspiration is at the moment. so if you wanna read something new... HELP ME OUT.

POST FOR LASSY
...but not about lassy. just to be perfectly clear about it! what follows is not about lassy... ;-)

hello.
today i'm worn out with thinking about somone.
i catch myself staring out at nothing... the inside of my eyelids lined with the picture of her. a knot in my stomach, hammering heart. all the cliches...
all for this woman who i barely know, but desperately want to know better. so many thoughts and ideas dreams and paranoias and little smiles and more and more and more thoughs racing around in my head. i'm not sleeping well enough to wake up refreshed.. a new day means a new buzzing glittering storm of words and feelings. the constancy of it is driving me crazy! i don't know how to deal with this stuff anymore. i haven't felt like this in a long time, it scares me. yes, i'm so fucking frightened.

A meme for commenters/readers
Via Frogblog
DO IT
1. name:
2. age:
3. where on earth do you live:
4. what makes you happy:
5. what have you been listening to lately:
6. do you enjoy reading my blog:
7. if so, why:
8. interesting fact about you:
9. are you in love at the moment:
10. favourite destination:
11. favourite quote:
12. will you post this in your blog:

RECOMMEND
1. a movie:
2. a book:
3. a band, song or album:

***
please do it, for meeeeeeeeeeee...
***

a small but important lesson for all...
plagiarism. it's naughty. have a peek at her august 24 post.
o, and while you're at it, you may as well check out this too. it just gets better and better...
the cheek of some people. good thing i don't write anything worthwhile plagiarising! ha ha ha, the joys of writing shit...

Virginia Woolf: Orlando. You are a challenge, for
outer events, the outside world, the time etc.
play no importance to you. Your focus is in
writing, in gender issues, and inside your own
head. Self-analysis and exploration of yourself
as well as the outer world hold great
importance to you.


Which literature classic are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


now this is a *cool* quiz... of course i haven't read the book, but i will, i will. infact i'll add it right now to my book-list.

"all men are bastards. with a few exceptions. just like the english language really."
~ca

CORNERSTONE ROOTS GIG
first time i've been out is *so* long, and it was actually really good! yes, i am suprised...
love that reggae scene, i'd forgotten how good a feeling it is to be a part of it. happy happy... very glad that i went, very glad that i stayed past that initial 5 minutes of going 'o fuck, not another damn pub full of drunk assholes'.
big smile to all the dread-locked kids...
i had the fortune to bump into a few people who i love dearly, and don't see nearly enough of, due to total lifestyle differences. and i remembered tonight: it's not always so hard to be open and friendly and, well, *happy*.
i was thinking about my father, miserable on the other side of the world, and then realised that it was ok to be having a good time with a bunch of strangers, and that i didn't have to be worrying about him. i care a lot, but it's futile to worry. he needs to go through this shit, and hopefully (hopefully!) he'll come out the other end feeling better about himself and his life, and his bloody kids! o, the dramas that are so inevitable in my convoluted family (and in most families too i know). the fear of not being loved, or not loving enough... we tie ourselves in infinite knots and tangles. but it's ok, i've got to stop trying to fix them all, i could so easily spend the rest of my life doing it, and then come to the end and realise that they're still tangled, and i haven't lived my life for me...
so anyways... cornerstone roots... a good night, a content feeling, a smile on my face.
much love to all my friends (especially those reading this, as they're the only ones that count really... ha ha ha... leave a comment damn you all!) and my dear fucked-up family, and all those people who aren't family or friends but still could do with some love.

How random are you?

this quiz was made by alanna

o jolly good, another excuse not to go to work... there are more and ever more quizzes to be perused! ma nelson can wait another hour for her oat milk and beetroot.... mwah hah hah

chai with friends and a nice view, life's ok.
though i wish we'd started this habit a bit sooner...

SNOW...
suddenly the adult world becomes irrelevant, and people play again...
i took a roll of black and white film, my first... hope some of them are worth printing. i'm going to do them in my friend's darkroom, also a first, which is pretty damn exciting.
but anyway... *the snow* ...it's so purdy! now probably some of you are wondering what the big deal is. the big deal is that we get snow about once a year if we're lucky here!
it's, well, magical. makes everything seem so 'otherworldly' (to use a tosser-ish expression). driving becomes a whole new adventure... like falling into that screensaver, you know the one.... had to keep reminding myself to *look at the damn road*!
i had a nice night, spent it in a warm cosy cafe with a view of the snow through the fogged up windows, drinking feijoa champagne and eating pizza with a jovial crowd... if only more winter nights could be spent in such a way.

THE Bs

*birch tree at the corner of my section, one of the few redeeming features of my 'garden'.

*beauty found in unexpected places these last few days. many long un-remembered memories surfacing.

*breeches and boots and neckties and hats. hmm. i have a thing about women in mens' clothes.

*brains. i've lost mine. help! help! whatever happened to my cutting intellect? my finely tuned rational thinking abilities? my acerbic wit?

*brian. life and sanity saver. :-) leaving in 2 weeks. :-(

*begonia angel wings. my favourite plant. i've been neglecting it, the poor wee dear.

THE As

*apples at work, many a crate to carry back and forth, many a back muscle to strain. hooray for our lugging-boy with the sparkly smile.

*assholes in my favourite hang-out spots, making it a chore rather than a pleasure to be there.

*aptitude for bitchiness, i'll get myself in trouble again soon... maybe i have already. my bad rep... la chica mala.

*asymetry, one of my favourite things, though perhaps it's time for some balance in my world. time to get sorted.

*aneurism: don't want to have one. who told me the story about the chick who died in the theatre?

*aardvark, never seen one, probably never will. not a big weight on my mind.

*aliens in my head, strange uncomfortable thoughts.

a new day, a new heartache.
one more friend gone. one maybe dead.
and one who made me feel better than i thought was possible today.
been talking art, how i've *missed* that. perhaps a collaboration.
been drinking coffee, smoking cigs, getting jittery and inspired to get my life back.
despite all the crap and confusion that is around me at the moment, i'm feeling alright.
loved up over my piko family. i'm ok.

so obviously i'm having hinky template issues...

a girl who i once considered my closest friend just called me. we became not-friends a year or so ago, and this is the first contact initiated by either of us. i'm a little freaked out. ok, i'm more than a little freaked out, i'm *very* freaked out.
i seriously thought that i'd never in a million years hear from her. it's just so unlike her to call me. what does she want from me? what is her motive? my heart is racing, and i feel a bit shaky.
*fuuuuck*
i've spent so much time wishing that she'd just get out of my life (we have mutual friends, and 'friends', you see) and suddenly she's back in a big way. i don't know whether i want this. but a small part of me is excited at the prospect of spending time with her again. because i have missed her, and i've spent a lot of time thinking about our friendship.
i'm not sure whether i can do this with her. i've been happier without the bullshit she created. but still it lingers, and maybe this is my chance to sort some of it out. surely if she called me she may be willing to actually talk about it?but maybe not, with her it is so hard to tell. perhaps she wants to pretend it never happened.
perhaps i do too. but i know that eventually it'd get to be too much to avoid, and i'd have to say something. this is too much right now. too fucking much.

right... i'm in sydney. with fishboy.
haven't felt this comfortable and relaxed in i don't know how long.
*contented sigh*
x

i can't blog because it's not alright to write about what's going on. and there's no room in my life for anything else at the moment. sorry. i'll try and write a proper post soon.
x

it's rough when someone you like tries to end their life. especially when you're on the other side of the world and there's fuck all you can do to help.
aaargh!

THINGS I WAS MEANT TO DO TODAY:

*scrub blackened chick-pea pot that has been sitting outside in the cold for 3 weeks.

*scrub dog-shit shoes that have been sitting out in the cold for at least a month.

*put more money on layby-ed boots, which means going all the way to white-trash mall in undesirable area of chch

*buy toilet paper from horrible butcher that smells of fat and gristle

*paint '32' onto newly-sprayed letterbox. (gold and silver if you were wondering)

*catch insects for billy-fritz. a fucking ordeal in this weather... no moths to be seen, and the soil is so crap that i can't find even one worm... poor froggie is starving...

THINGS I HAVE DONE TODAY:

*smoked too many cigarettes

*watched cool footage on "frida" soundtrack cd

*wandered a few blogs

*dyed hair a horrendous shade of yellow, in preparation for bright red. or pink if i'm unlucky... i'll get back to you on that one.

*drank coffee and ate toast with vegemite

THINGS I WILL DO LATER ON TODAY:

*scream in horror at the shade my hair will [probably] turn out

*visit ariel at work and talk her into drinking coffee and smoking with me

*go out for *more* coffee with ami at the new and happening cafe...

*drop into shayne's for a pot-luck thingy

*go check out my brother's band, playing at the Dux tonight (go nae-nae!)

*smoke more cigarettes and feel shit afterwards... briefly contemplate giving up, and then do nothing about it.

so, kids, there you have it. my day off.

so, apparently sarcastic wit doesn't necessarily point to intelligence...
yep, i scored 'less than average' in an IQ test. as you can imagine, i am swinging between hysteria and severe depression. aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!
i'm meant to be clever! i really am! but instead i am a slack-jawed yokel by the sounds of things. fuckety fuckety fuck.
and i intended to write something really astute about the whole thing, but it just isn't a happening thing. i actually had to stop and think of a word to use. i chose astute. see, up a couple of lines...
gaaa. i should go to bed. lots to do tomorrow, i've got to quit my job and sign up for the dole.

woohoo, more pointless 'what colour is your inner monkey' quizzes! hooray for too much time on ones hands...

me 

yep, this is me. note the lack of mullet. not a great photo, but it'll just have to do.
i've been having dilemmas about posting pics of people on here. the privacy thing. hmm. just ain't sure. and it's kinda weird to realise that random passers by now know what i look like!
got a few things to figure out on the technical side of things too. bah, bloody technology.
ooo, big 2nd hand book sale tomorrow. yippeee! may many a bargain be found. going with my ma. and then to work. hoorooo. had to get a hold of myself today, a workmate started singing and my heart lurched...
*eek*
unexpected. well, not entirely. i'm always a sucker for a good voice. *sigh*

someone i miss a lot 


this girl is wonderful, i highly recommend her...
and i get to see her in, o, about half a year? which actually isn't long at all when you take into consideration that it's been nearly 4 years since we last saw each other.

and someone else i miss a lot too. (no, not me!) 


hasn't been nearly as long, but it still sucks that i can't give this boy a hug.

the mullet!  

A -> Z
I found this questionnaire over at Jen's blog. Yes, another bloody questionnaire...

Act your age? Once in a while
Born on what day of the week? Wednesday.
Chore you hate? Mopping
Dad’s name? Roland
Essential makeup item? Yeah right
Favorite actor? umm...
Gold or silver? Definitely silver
Hometown? christchurch
Instruments you play? Guitar. badly. infact, it hardly even counts
Job title? Organic food bitch
Kids? erk
Living arrangements? 4 of us. And a cat and a dog and a frog.
Mom’s name? Frances.
Need? Friends and coffee, not necessarily in that order...
Overnight hospital stays? Nope
Phobias? Vomiting!!!
Quote you like? The marquis de sade recommends a simple breakfast... "a plain omelet eaten off the buttocks of a naked women, with an exceedingly sharp fork" (or something to that effect anyways)
Religious affiliation? None.
Siblings? Lots. They're all mad.
Time you wake up? During daylight hours
Unique talent? umm...
Vegetable you refuse to eat? Parsnip, especially when mashed with carrot. What is *with* that?
Worst habit? At the moment, smoking.
X-rays you’ve had? Teeth, ankle, arm
Yummy food you make? kumera and lentil pie, mmm.
Zodiac Sign? Capricorn.

to someone who has never watched the movie (for example, me) this will make little sense. but it fills time.



Which Princess Bride Character are You?
this quiz was made by mysti

...AND SOME MORE INCONSEQUENTIAL BLATHERINGS...
according to the gender genie i am "one butch chick"
ha ha. it thought i was a guy...
do i write like a guy? really?
*
today i drove out to little river (a small town about an hour away) and bought some great hand made cups and a bowl. very cool. good drive too... though a tad scary at times. it got really windy and my poor wee car was being blown around a bit.
*
my sister moved in today. temporarily. hope it goes ok... i haven't lived with her before. the biggest worry is how her dog and my cat will get along. hmm.
*
got myself in trouble recently... opened my big mouth when i *really* shouldn't have. oops. been kicking myself. i should've learned that lesson by now!
*

i'm jinxed...

tonight i broke not one, but TWO keys in my car door. yes, really. very bad luck. the first one snapped off in the lock when i went to lock my car.. "o no" i though, "i'm fucked" ...but then i remembered i still had my spare in my bag from when i took the car to the mechanic last week. phew! so no big drama. got back in my car, drove to my destination, got out, put the key (2nd, remember) in the lock, turned it... and lo and behold i was holding another piece of mangled metal in my hand. aaaaaaargh!
so, now i really was fucked. and the most annoying part... my mobile was locked inside the car. anyways, the only good thing about the experience was that i got to drive my friend's very nice car home... mmm. so good. makes me want to get an automatic, preferrably one with a swipe card rather than a key. it must be my super-frog powers screwing with the molecular structure of the metal. yeah, that sounds like a good explanation. maybe i need special extra-strength metal keys. do they make those? us super-heroes have *such* a hard time.
***
and in other news:
*buena vista social club is coming to town, hooray! think i'm gonna go. it'll be so cool.
*i'm being sucked dry by a well-meaning emotional vampire. it hurts.
*my father is pissing off to the other side of the world for a few months. i'm meant to 'look after' my ma..
*reading a great book : travels with a circus. about a woman who joins a mexican circus, nice writing style
*i talked to the exiled pisciboy tonight. am missing him a lot today. want to *seeeee* him!
*my dear friend carlene is arriving back in town on christmas day... yay!
*i'm hating my job. it's just a phase, i need to take a few days off to clear my head. but that's impossible at the moment, as we have a bunch of newbies and a whole lot of long-timers (!) just left. so not a good time for me to be disappearing. *sigh*
*another friend did something really stupid tonight, against the very strong advice of 5 of her closest friends. wait for the fallout... [again]
*i opened my big mouth and fucked things up. been kicking myself over this one for a week or so now. stupid stupid stupid girl.
*still loving having short hair again.
*finally got round to buying cat food, but it's no bloody use to me or billy bob as it's locked in my car on the other side of town. doh!
*had a moment when my inherent cynicism was quelled, while reading a blog entry last night. wow.
***
ok, enough for now. write to me and tell me something funny. or ask me a question, i need something to blog about!
*hugs*

...this!

a very much shortened version of the children rant... what is this obsession with procreation? look at the world you're bringing them into! wake up!
and this is from the Press (tues, may 25)
a) *mothers who let their violent partners bash their children face jail if they stand by and fail to report attacks, a judge warns*
this mother is a primary school teacher. someone who, one would assume, actually quite likes kids. she watched as her partner broke the baby's leg. and ribs. didn't do a fucking thing.
b) *drug addict stole children's piggy bank* ...ok, so this one isn't quite so disturbing, but still. the judge said "this must have seemed like pennies from heaven for you". hmm. i wonder about the intelligence levels of judge colin doherty. or maybe he thought it was actually funny. anyhow, another shit thing happens to a kid. wooo.
c) *grief-stricken parents are angry at an 'insensitive' christchurch city council letter asking them to remove decorations from their children's graves*. and rightly so, methinks. this particular couple have been told that their child's grave needs to be used as a space to temporarily place soil for a new grave. nice, really fucking nice.
please note, dear readers, that these 3 stories are all within the first 3 pages of yesterday's paper. i chose to read no further.

Ahem.

Which Survivor of the Impending Nuclear Apocalypse Are You?
A Rum and Monkey joint.

AP: Fire Destroys Bush Presidential Library

WASHINGTON- A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of
President George W. Bush.

Both of his books have been lost. Presidential spokesman Scott McLelland
said the president was devastated, as he had not yet finished coloring the
second one.

*there you have it... my only political post. ever.
borrowed from amy.

last night i hacked all my hair off. again. it grows to a certain length, and then i impulsively chop it off. good feeling. and, to make the experience more memorable, i created a lovely mullet at the inbetween stages... and took a photo. if i can figure out how to do it i'll post it on here some time. hee hee, it was *so* fucking bad.
feels great to have short hair again. and i have a great hat to cover it up with. the thing i'm least looking forward to is all the comments from customers at work. *sigh* o well, i guess that's what you get when you do something different. and don't get me started on a rant about that! [us humans are so damn good at keeping each other in boxes, no room for change or growth, so stifling]
...well, i told you not to get me started.

ahoy hoy.
(graham alexander bell. mr burns. dana king. take your pick)
*
3.20am, still up. been playing with 'las chicas malas', an entirely enjoyable experience. and yet another late night (why o why did i get a computer???).
*
that date-that-wasn't-a-date really wasn't a date. it was nice spending a bit of time with the girl, but definately no vibe [for want of a less-naff word]. good. phew.
*
a day off tomorrow... *huzzah* ...what to do? i want to go and buy some big black boots. docs. hideously expensive, of course. and i suppose there will also be the obligatory parental visit.
and maybe i'll treat myself to some new bed linen. ( "oh!" i hear you gasp, "that eroica lives such an exciting life!")
*
on my to do list:
-learn spanish, at least rudimentary.
-clean room, so at least i can walk from one end to the other without fear of serious injury.
-write all those letters i've been meaning to.
-catch moths for billy fritz.
-cook a decent meal, and actually *eat* it. very important, should perhaps be at top of list.
-return cd to library, and aviod getting anything else out.
-which leads nicely to... read all the books i've got lying around half finished.
*
just had a thought... greg must have left nz again by now. or in the next couple of days anyway. didn't see him again after that afternoon we spent together. hope he doesn't feel bad about that, i don't!
*
went out with some friends last night, for a thai dinner and catch-up. i found myself zoning out from the conversations though, what a shitty friend i am. but, to be quite honest, there is only so much talk of male anatomy that i can handle. call me queer...
well, yes, call me queer.
*
enough for now.
*
*

well, i just bought a pouch of tobacco. for the first time since august 2002. fuck. not a good sign. not at all. and i'm *enjoying* it. sure, makes me feel really shit physically, and not exactly wonderful for the self esteem either (smoking has always been a favouite way of hurting myself, not entirely subconsciously). but i just want it so much at the moment.
what to do? i don't want to be a smoker, not really. my mind is playing tricks on me. harsh, unhealthy, detrimental tricks.
shit.

have added a new link, take a squint sometime. yes, there, to your right...
o, and make sure you check out the comments!

this is how meaningless my life is: i just flicked through a Homecare ("we bring the store to your home") magazine, in the hope of finding a blender-cum-grater-cum-neckmassager, or something equally worthwhile on which to spend my hard-earned money. gaaaa!
honest truth? i'm really fucked off today. hated being at work, all those damn customers, even began to dislike my workmates towards the end of the day. grrr. then i came home to surly flatmates, and a message to call the landlord because our rent is fucking up. WHY CAN'T MARCE OR BEX DO IT??? apparently i am the only one for the job. hah. and it also pisses me off that whenever i get home, no matter of what time of night or day it is, billy bob is outside in the cold. so, yeah, i'm feeling a bit anti towards the flatmates tonight. though bex did just give me some chocolate, so she gets a couple of points. *sigh*
i'm all funny about what i post now, feel like i need more substance in my writing... o god, i'm getting insecure about this, along with everything else. joy.
maybe i'll quit blogging. (yuck, such an ugly word, blogging)

have...lost...all...ability...to...blog...
10 hour work day on 5 hours sleep has left me feeling a tad jaded. was offered a spot in a warm bed, but turned it down in favour of my own. i'm *so* looking forward to waking up in my comfortable bed, at whatever time i do, no alarm clock. mmm.
*yawn*
have been idly mulling over a few things that i may, at some point, write about. feel like i need a good rant. i might get rid of the stat counter i set up yesterday, it'll just depress me. ha ha, not really. but i still reckon it's got to go. unnecessary paraphernalia. deleted another link yesterday, too.
*lost in thought*
ok, bed time for this girl. happy thoughts to all of you.
night night.
x

width="64" height="64" alt="My Breedster profile" border="0" />

*
THE LIFE OF ME, AS IT STANDS RIGHT NOW-ish:
*
i've been feeling 'sane' today. or at least saner. it's been nice, makes a good change to recent crazyness. today wasn't really great in any particluar way, just kind of normal. some happy faces at work, which recently have been frowny faces. i'm glad. not nice to see people obviously not enjoying themselves.
*
been discovering the weird world of chat these last couple of days. another way to waste *much* time! i was meant to go and sort out my WOF this morning, but by the time i managed to drag myself away from the 'puter it was time for work. must do it tomorrow... (much willpower will be required! wish me luck, or strength, or something!)
*
today one of my favourite customers asked me to go and have offee some time this week. :-)
she's very cute, i've had a bit of a thing about her for ages. not sure of her 'intentions' in asking me.[no doubt entirely without dodgyness...]
hmm. not sure, not sure at all.
is she gay, or isn't she?
*
bought a food magazine today (very unlike me) because it had some cool looking mexican recipes in it... on further perusal i got the impression they're actually rather shit. ah well. o yeah, i had a piece of sapote (aka mexican apple) today. yum! you tried it? such a weird texture. and taste. pity they don't grow in my part of the globe.
*
was told recently by a friend that my site doesn't invite comments, that it's self-contained. or some bollox to that effect. not sure what that actually means... am i meant to be writing some sort of literary diatribe about controversial 'issues'?
grrr.
*
ok, i'm over it now.
*

aah, the joys of instant messaging.
confusing when involved in more than one conversation. fun though. been chatting with two dear friends, and emailing another. makes the loneliness subside somewhat. and i've only had one gin... just enough to make me feel really gross. so i stopped. and ate organic chocolate instead (bittersweet, the best i can get my hands on at the moment). not really a good combination...
*
went in to work today (yes, a sunday) for a few hours of quiet packing by myself... 2 people were there cleaning, 2 more arrived to pack shortly afterwards, and then one more for chocolate and a chat. bizzy wee place, even on a sunday. so much for my quiet packing. though i did enjoy the company, at least most of the time.
*
my rent has got kinda high. i must actually use my "studio" [hah] to make it at least maybe worth while. ideally i'd like to be making at least what i pay in extra rent each week from my creative stuff. haven't really got a plan yet, feel free to give me your opinions...
would be cool if i could somehow do some sort of gallery of some of my stuff online. not for marketing purposes (marketing! erk!!), but rather for your viewing pleasure (i don't think it'd be pain?)
*
i should go to bed. it's nearly 3am.
my bed is so big and empty.
*

been dissed on msn chat. gee, my life is so great. fuck this.

*squelchy feeling stomach
*scratchy eyes
*vacant gaze
*aching bones
*sore chest
*fuzzy teeth
*cold feet

yep, i drank last night. and had a couple of cigarettes.
bad habits. good company. musn't start smoking again, that'd be very dumb. it's been nearly 2 years since i stopped. i'm not a smoker. i don't see myself as a smoker in the future, therefore there's no point in smoking now. it's not me. but a part of me still just WANTS THAT HABIT! the ritual. i feel weak, like i've failed. i don't like myself much when i smoke. and i smoke when i don't like myself much. *sigh*
got a bach flower remedy made for me yesterday. maybe it'll help. i hope so. i'm over feeling so emotional all the damn time, but the thought of being void of all emotion is even worse. i know i'll be okay eventually, i always am. at least i'm aware of that... though the knowledge doesn't really help me in the present. meh.

it was ok. pleasant. nice. (all those words which sum up to mean, well, nothing much)
feel pretty blah about the whole experience. yes, we got along fine. didn't really click in that old way. probably not enough time before he leaves again to rebuild a decent friendship.
*sigh*
i'm not sure i want to write a lot about it on here, at least not at the moment while i'm still unsure of how i feel.
spent most of the day moping around work (not actually working, just there for the company). am not feeling that great. surprise.
i have a sneaking suspicion that if i went to a doctor some sort of medication would be suggested. it's not really healthy to be this sad for this amount of time. this is the longest spell of down-ness i've had in a ages... and today is the first day i haven't cried in at least a couple of weeks.
what do you do? well, i guess you keep plodding along, and keep hoping things will start making sense again. fingers crossed.
meh.

tomorrow i'm meeting up with someone i haven't seen in a year and a half. i'm a bit scared. he's someone who i once cared a great deal for. a good friend. and yes, there is more to the story, but i don't feel like writing about it. except to say that i was pretty cut up when he left town.
i feel like such a wreck at the moment, and i'm worried i'm going to come across as a fucked-up freak with very little going for me. which is probably true, but i'm not sure if i want him to realise that straight away.
actually i don't know what i want him to realise. i don't know what *i* want to realise. what if we don't get on anymore? i'd hate that.
what if i, ahem, fall for him again? no, that's a very bad thought. i have enough emotional turmoil as it is. no more is needed at the moment.
probably it'll be fine seeing him; we'll have a good catch-up, he'll leave, and things will get back to 'normal'. i should stop thinking about this.
if our [short] phone conversation is anything to go by, it'll be sweet tomorrow.
i'll let you know...
*wish me luck?*

can't be arsed writing a proper post, you'll have to make do with this...
HomestarRunner
...nearly wet myself.

i've adopted a blob! yay, a new friend! Spacefem is cool! i apparently am an attack banana. who would have thought?

i've discovered a very good book. 'in the devil's garden' by stuart lee allen (the coffee guy). it's fascinating! written in sections that correspond to the 7 deadly sins.
some very kinky things in the lust section. like this... The Marquis de Sade
recommends a simple breakfast: a plain omelet served piping hot on the buttocks of a naked woman and eaten with "an exceedingly sharp fork".
love it! there's also some fabulous recipes that i intend to try out. one for a south american chocolate drink. with chili peppers. yum. to be served in a gold-lined tortoise shell.
**
i'm starting to get nervous about who's reading this thing. i don't want that to happen, i want this to be as 'real' as it can be. that means not
worrying about opinions... a bit hard. it's okay with the "strangers", i'm just
worried about [some of] the friends and family who have this web address. eeek!
**
i may go and meet carlene in bangkok in november. just a thought at this stage. it'd probably be for about 2 weeks. if i started saving all my excess pay now i could totally do it. 6 months.
funny how a 2 line text message can ignite all sorts of ideas, plans, dreams... ah, the human mind is a bizarre and wonderful thing. of course, my other option is to go and see jeff in sydney. also very tempting.
already i'm missing him heaps. only a week! already this is the longest we've not seen each other in the entirety of our friendship. weird.
at a party i made the mistake of going to the night he left it was kindly brought to my attention by someone that "people come and go". who the fuck says that shit??? yeah, real helpfull. thanks a million. she then went on to say that maybe i should move to sydney... to which i replied that that was hardly the point, and anyway i didn't actually want to because i have a really great job here that i love. and a life.
"but you could get something like it [the job] over there"
"ah, no i couldn't."
...silence...
"oh my god, guess WHAT?!? i'm leaving in 15 days!"
"yeah? where are you going?"
"spain. i've got a one-way ticket"
"oh, that's great!"
"you HAVE to come to my going away party"
"er, yeah, i'll check my diary..."

[yes, a one way ticket! great it really fucking is...]

damn it, why am i so honest when people ask me how i am? it'd be so much easier to smile and say "fine thanks"... but i JUST CAN'T DO IT! it's so pathetic and fake and superficial and pointless! if i don't want to know how people ACTUALLY are, i don't ask the question. grrr, humans are so lame.
not all humans. i've been spending quite a bit of time with 2 very un-lame women of late.
on thursday ami and i went and had coffee at the Cup, where we took much delight in texting ariel, and drawing strange pictures...
then we went and delivered aforementioned pictures to aforementioned ariel. ate freshly roasted chestnuts with her and her canadian friend, and generally made ourselves at home. ami and i were very giggly, not entirely sure why. but good to feel so happy, it'd been a while. we found a hit cat on the way home, so took it to the after-hours vet. hope it's okay. it seemed to be getting livlier when we left. i rang the spca the next day, it was still alive.
i've been drinking too much. well, not to much really, but definately too frequently. gin. just enough to "take the edge off". bad day on saturday, much crying. [aaargh! get a grip!]
first cigarette in nearly 2 years. first game of backgammon ever. i won. ariel taught me well. i'd like to draw her i think. how hard it is, though, to honestly capture soul and personality on paper.
**
i'm rambling.

frogbitch is a Garlic-Eating Fez Monkey ...with a Battle Rating of 7.2 To see if your Food-Eating Battle Monkey can defeat frogbitch, enter your name:

so, at last i can blog at home. very cool. better think of something good to say...
(yeah, right)
;-}

i have a day off work. what to do with it? no doubt i'll go in to work anyway. sigh.
don't feel like being at home on my own at the moment. don't really feel like socialising with my friends though. don't feel like anything much. it's all a bit blah today.
what would be perfect? ummm..
watching a good film (maybe frida?) in a ridiculously comfortable armchair, with gin. and the knowledge that i wouldn't have a hangover the next day. yes, well that ain't gonna happen.
i'm toying with the idea of going to bangkok for a couple of weeks at the end of the year. or maybe somewhere else. haven't had a holiday as such in a very long time. like, never. unless family holidays to the peninsula count?
fuck, there's this dickhead sitting a few seats down from me playing some shoot 'em up game with the sound turned up really high. aaargh!
would it be inappropriate to kill him?

sigh.

well, an interesting couple of days i've just had. and when i say interesting i really mean AWFUL but i'm disguising it with that disguise-all-real-opinions word "interesting".
yesterday consisted of coffee with two old friends, followed by a visit to work (day off... but where else would i rather be??), closely followed by a large amount of crying. and some staring at nothing. and more crying. yes, at work. i tried to leave but they wouldn't let me. probably a good thing, no doubt i would have managed to kill myself or someone else if i'd tried to drive in that state. lucky for me my work buddies are looking out for me! not surprisingly i wasn't the only one feeling crap, so the 3 of us ended up going to the beach to clear our heads. or something. it kinda worked i think. and marce was great when i got home, made me dinner. i sometimes forget what a good friend he is.
today started off much better, got to work at about 9, worked solidly for most of the day, stopped to think for a minute, and experienced a severe case of brain-meltdown. not so good after that.
and now here i am at my parents' house, secluded in the study with this faintly buzzing box, trying to get my head together.
aaargh!
and in other exciting news... fishboy is out of here[hair] like a bald man on sunday. wooo. [note the sarcasm] gonna miss that boy...
too much probably. damn it, i get too close to people. need to keep distance. keep safe. shit.
sigh.

SOME STUFF I WANT TO, UMM, ACCOMPLISH? IS THAT THE RIGHT WORD?

have a book published.

speak fluent spanish.

juggle 3 chainsaws whilst singing the french national anthem and rolling a spliff with my toes. okay, maybe not. but surely there must be more than 2 things i want to do in this life time? eek! need more ambition!

just a brief rant: FUCK BLOGGER! WON'T FUCKING PUBLISH ANYTHING FOR FUCKING AGES, IT'S A LOAD OF FUCKING SHIT! gaaa!

okay, that's out of my system now. happy happy joy joy, little blue birds singing in the tree tops, snowflakes that melt on my nose and eyelashes, brown paper packages tied up with string...
... you gotta love a singing nun.
oh how i look forward to the day when i'm sitting in the comfort of my own cave writing, rather than in this godforsaken community centre full of the dregs of society. shit, i really need to be more tolerant. at least it's cheap...
i've been finding blogging hard lately. i don't really want this to be a whole bunch of mindless whinging, but whenever i sit down to write all that wants to come out is sad mopey stuff. bah.
so i'm going to write something good now. perhaps not interesting, but not depressed.
ummmm.
okay, here goes: i discovered in my bookshelf a really great wholefoods recipe book that i'd forgotten i'd bought ages ago. yay! just the sort of thing that'll come in handy for all the winter dinner parties i intend to have. yes, you'll all be invited (though you may need to remind me...).
and i'm slowly turning my house into mexico. it's looking good. i'm doing a series of mexicana paintings, just simple colourful things that give a bit of atmosphere to my otherwise drab living room. feel free to donate any cacti, sombreros, mariachi bands that you happen to have lying around... they'll be greatly appreciated. oh, and books. ones about mexico, chile, peru, nachos, llamas, coke barons. ;-)and original frida kahlo's will be accepted too. thanks heaps.

yesterday i spent approximately 5 hours at work AFTER MY SHIFT ENDED. just because i couldn't think of a better alternative. it's my haven at the moment... it's easier to be at work than to be in the rest of my life.
it's my dad's birthday today. i'm at their place now. it was the last place i wanted to come after work, and when i arrived i bumped into my into my brother on the street... he's just had a huge fight with dad. so, you can imagine how much i was looking forward to venturing inside. anyways, i bit the bullet, hid all signs of my own emotional fragility (more than usual today, i've spent a lot of time trying not to cry, and feeling useless), and braved the potential wrath of my dear papa. turns out he was more sad and worried (my bro was obviously on drugs, my dad worries) than angry, which of course is a hundred times worse.
***fuck this, i'm leaving.
someone please write and tell me that i'm great. or at least bearable. SOS!
x

hola mi amigos
i have two things to address today: coriander and meatspace-blogtalk.
coriander first. i hate the stuff, as you probably know from a certain previous post. so, here's where things get crazy: i ate some the other day and actually, well, kind of liked it. breakthrough! ami kennedy is my new god. no-one else has ever managed to render coriander edible. she is amazing. really. if she ever offers you pumpkin soup scream "YES!"
and the other thing. i have a slight problem with people chatting to me about my blog in 'meatspace'. like "hey, i read your post about what a tosser i am, and do you really feel totally unloved by all your peers?" fuck off! for me the fucking point of having a blog is that it's pretty much like a journel. as in, don't talk to me about it! use the obvious format and COMMENT if you want to share your opinion. that's why i enabled comments. get it?

does this site look backwards to you? it was frontwards when i first went to it, then it changed around. are they being weird and fancy, or is my computer being weird and freaky? yikes.

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by istlef but the wrod as a wlohe.

i stole that from this guy. hope he doesn't mind...
and check this out too if you haven't already. thanks frank.

today it's bloody cold i'm unimpressed. very. i want sunshine and lollypops. oh, here's something very exciting... the dickhead flatmate (cam) has finally moved out. what a relief! and to make that even better... i've persuaded the others that we needn't get another perspn and we can have that as a spare room / studio. yay! i'll be paying lots more rent (i can afford it, marce and bex can't so i'm gonna pay the bulk of it) but i think it's worth it to finally have some real space i can do my art in! and we figure it'll make a great wee hanging out room for winter, gets lots of sun and it's small which means it'll be real easy to heat. i'm excited! now i just need to find some time to sort it all out and make it into a working studio... then find some time to do some painting...
i got horrendously drunk on friday night. gin. damn stuff, tastes so good but hurts so bad. i even threw up in the morning. yuck. i never do that. my liver must be so shot, i didn't actually drink very much. damn 18 year old binge drinking, now i can't handle any at all! though it sounds like poor jeff was even more sick than me... :-(
enough about the hangover. the party was good fun, i was in a particularely bratty/happy mood and i had a great night!
i just got an email from a good friend who told me that she's moving to melbourne. shit. it's too far to visit. and it costs more to send letters there. 40c i can handle, $1.50 is pushing it a bit. she's one of those people who i write to quite often, usually on a whim with no particular news to convey. i like writing those letters. or cards, or random bits of paper. so if any of you want a real live snail mail letter from me send me your meatspace address. i'll be happy to oblige.
ta ta for now.
xx

Edie Brickell! yay!
and more! yay!

a couple of days ago i got myself a beautiful shiny red valve radio. cool beyond belief! i've been on the look out for a good one for *so* long, and this one is just so ME! it perfectly matches my bright red shiny kitchen scales (retro of course) and bright red shiny coffee table. yippee! i've come to the conclusion that i'm an incurable junk-junkie. and proud of it.
oh, a quick amendment. the best friend link in the previous post shouldn't have had quotation marks around it.
i feel a lonely christchurch winter coming on. that inevitable introspection that seems to come with the season. not necessarily a bad thing, i quite like that inwardness. i probably need it at the moment. there's things at the moment that i'm avoiding thinking about... and can feel gnawing away at me...
happy happy happy happy
...happy happy happy
(must keep up appearances...)
how is it that this post started with a cheery description of my new toy, and quickly descended into a morbid bout of depression? fek. the truth always finds a way out.

my car cost me $160 yesterday. brake pads and discs. erk. and my grandmother's in hospital. gaaa, family guilt. i know i *should* go and see her... am i cruel and heartless if i don't? probably. the guilt, aaargh the guilt!
tomorrow i'm off to galavant in sweet oamaru, at their organic wine & food festival. yippee! i'm going with a couple of the chickees from work, no doubt it'll be a great day. and probably an expensive day...
gak, no i'm not going to think about that.
would quite like to spend some time with my "best friend", but not sure when (if?) that's gonna happen. sigh. he's leaving soon. sigh.
off home now to catch some Zs. early start tomorrow. goodie.
x

here's a couple of blogs i've wandered into lately.
*Shouting Into the Void
* grrrl meets world (a canadian chickee)

hello. i haven't painted in ages. too long. maybe that's what is missing at the moment, i'm not venting through art. though i'm not really one for the angst-ridden soul-bareing kind of artistic expression anyhow.
am i depressed because i'm not painting, or not painting because i'm depressed?
should i go to art school? more to the point, will i? do i want to? do i need to? will it be a big fat waste of time and money? will it change my life for the better?
answers, please!
there's so little of me at the moment. i find myself getting bored of conversations half way through, nothing more to say. too much effort to listen. so much bullshit. so few pearls.
tell me about something that inspires you. it doesn't matter what, just something that makes you feel alive. don't try and cheer me up, don't try and make me laugh, i'll be very happy to hear anything you have to say. please.

HERE GOES: SOME STUPID THINGS THAT I'VE DONE RECENTLY... enjoy!

*got my hand stuck in a post box. i started walking away before removing my hand, not a good look to be jerked backwards mid-stride... luckily for me there was no-one to see this little mis-hap as it was about 2am (a totally normal time to be posting letters, don't you think?)

*leapt out of my car at high speed, then stopped in my tracks to stare intently at my slightly flat tyre... looked up and there's this guy in a business suit with a bemused look on his face... so of course i feel the need to explain myself, thus digging myself a deeper hole... i scarpered across the road pretty quickly!

*obviously what i said to sabine that time ("i've been thinking about you all day" for those of you who don't remember the encounter as vividly as i do). creepy stalker stylee!

*very nearly running a red light at about 70k after getting a disconcerting text last weekend, scared the shit out of myself.

*and speaking of texting... the time i nearly had a head on with a very large truck in a very dark and narrow tunnel while trying to read a text... the look on the driver's face was priceless... ("aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! i'm about to kill somone!")

*oh, and here's a good one. i was eating gross spirulina yoghurt in my car (marcel was driving) using the little metal disc from the top of the gear stick as a spoon, and marcel put the brakes on. imagine me with yoghurt all through my hair and down my front snorting in a fit of messy laughter... erk!

***feel free to laugh, cry, choose a favourite***

a week or so ago i was sitting at the Yellow Rocket, cafe numero uno. with fishboy of course. as we vacantly gazed out of the [very good for people watching] window we spied two deliciously orange monks wandering out of the visitors info centre. cool! they then proceeded to take very cheesy tourist photos of each other posing infront of the chalice (a chch landmark of the artistic persuasion). of course we couldn't hold back our grins! how strangely incongruous! anyway, there we were grinning away when they started heading towards us, presumably to quaff a quaffee (er, coffee). they spotted us, pointed, muttered to each other... and turned around and walked back the way they'd come! aaargh, dissed my buddhist monks! surely not!

why oh why does this damn thing keep fucking round on me and not publishing posts? actually please don't answer that if you're gonna get all technical on it... my brain crumbles at the thought.
well, if you can see my post from last night you'll realise that it was, er, shit. today is better, the depression isn't quite so pronounced. what a pisser. i was so wanting to go out with the birthday girls last night, and by the sounds of fishboy's latest posts it was a decent gig. arse. fek. shitty shitty bang bang.
today i went to a country fair (yes, you read that right) with my ma and grandma (you also read that right). doing the happy-sunday-generational-excursion. not as bad as it sounds! it was at swananoa, a particularely nice part of north-ish canterbury. and i bumped into steve and v which was a highlight. yay, i hadn't seen them since the wedding.
this post is boring isn't it? yes, i thought so. i'll torture you no longer.

I'M WRITING THIS FOR ME, NOT YOU. BUT YOU'RE WELCOME TO READ IT.

*i don't want to feel uninvolved.
*i don't want to feel unloved by my 'best friend'.
*i don't want to feel ugly and boring.
*i don't want to feel surly and fun-killing.
~ i don't want to feel like alex.
*i don't want to feel untouchable and unlovable.
*i don't want to be sitting here writing this unhappy list because i can't remember how to have fun. or i can't bring myself to have their kind of fun.
*i don't want to be where i am. i'm lost.

THERE, I SAID IT.

i think that i'm happy, then i sit down by myself and i find that i'm not. i'm not happy, i'm not sure i know what it means anymore. because there's so much underlying bullshit that taints my every thought, every action. this hideous self-loathing. it stretches out in all directions, poisoning every friendship, every hope or dream, every achievement. i laugh bitterly at my every move. i'm laughing at myself now, writing this. what's the point? i feel like a fraud, like a fake, an imposter.

one of these days i'm gonna post a list of stupid things i've done recently. and not so recently. maybe i'll have to do it in installments, there's a fair few things to go on this list...
anyways. here's something bizarre and coincidental and more than a tad weird in so many ways: i recently was introduced to crazy tim, a friend of a flatmate of a friend. he seemed familiar. turns out i met him about 3 years ago, and here's how. i was walking home one night, taking a shortcut through a park. it must've been about midnight, i wasn't expecting to see anyone else. i come around a bend in the path, and suddenly am faced with a group of about 60 oddly dressed witches and wizards. a pagan solstice ritual, no less! what fun! somehow i get talked into staying and performing an integral part of the ceremony (not the slaying of the goat, unfortunately). so it was a bit of a laugh, and i got talking to the guy next to me. he and two of his friends came back to my place and we hung out, played guitar, generally had a fun time. it was a good night. that's one of my favourite memories of that summer, and all of a sudden he's back. yep, the same crazy tim. how fucking strange is that? we'd emailed a couple of times, but totally lost touch so long ago. turns out we still have each others addresses though, after this long! not sure what i think of him... he's incredibly sleazy and full-on and just generally fucked, but also quite likeable.

CAT PUNCHING

yes, cat punching. a very odd topic to be writing about, i'm well aware. today i accidentally punched my dear cat in the head. oops! here's the story:
he was spending the night in my room as he had to go to the vet today (not much of a boy any longer...). this was a first off, usually he stays outside. anyways, at about 5.30 am he woke my up meowing at the door. i was rather dazed and confused, after a night of very disrupted sleep (too hot, damn this late summer burst of heat!). i could vaguelly make out his grey form wandering towards me as i called him over to the bed. i reached out my hand to scratch his head... at precisely the same moment that he made to leap up beside me. my fist hit him square between the eyes in mid-flight, and he dropped to the ground where he sat for the next couple of minutes shaking his head and looking bewildered. it must've really hurt the poor darling, as my knuckles were sore for at least 5 minutes! obviously i felt really bad, though the absurdity of the situation didn't pass me unnoticed. i had a bit of a giggle (alright, i near pissed myself) after i'd made sure he was okay.
what a start to the day though...

CORIANDER.

i hate the stuff. really really despise it. so much so that i'm going to spend precious minutes on my day off ranting about it. right here, right now.
it tastes like your grandmother's worst heavy-duty soap. with a side dish of old socks. and it smells that way too. what really annoys me is that it looks disturbingly similar to italian parsley (yum) and we sell both at work, which often results in me having to take a sniff at the bunch to decipher which it is. aaargh! one of my least favourite parts about my job! you'd think that it wasn't that big a deal, but it IS! i dislike it that much. i want to wring the fat neck of whichever tosser it was who made it the popular-herb-numero-uno in recent times. it's everywhere, just waiting to attack my poor taste buds with it's viciously rank flavour. erk. i recently discovered that my flatmate (bex) feels the same. yay! hooroo hooray! someone understands! i think i'm going to start a kill-all-coriander campaign. t-shirts and badges and placards. by the way, any american readers, coriander is what you call, er, celentra? colantra? something like that. don't ever feed it to me if you want to stay my friend. or stay alive for that matter.

GUESS HOW MUCH I LOVE TAXI DRIVERS?

I’m driving along Bealy Ave, heading homewards after yet another shit party experience. I stop at the Bealy/Barbadoes intersection, lights are red. The arrow turns to green, I put my car into gear and before I can even take off the taxi behind me is tooting his horn. Asshole!
Naturally I give him the finger in my rear view mirror, then drive at about 40kph as close to the centre of the road as I can get, to further piss him off. After much revving and intimidating driving he overtakes me and speeds off into the distance. Now I’m *really* angry. I slam my foot on the gas pedal ~ resulting in a very sedate acceleration attempt by my little wee car. There’s no fucking chance that I’ll catch up with him before the end of the road, but I try anyway. I’m determined to track him to his destination and then abuse him or give him the "irresponsible driver, poor little me" [hah] story, I haven’t yet chosen which. I’m swinging between self-righteous and just fucking PISSED!
Unfortunately I lose him after a corner (how the hell can I keep up with the tosser when he’s going 80+kph?) and now I’m totally pissed off because I didn’t even see what company he was working for, and therefore can’t ring up and get him in trouble. CRAP!
And that was the highlight of my night… how depressing. Thoughts running through my head at the aforementioned party (why? Why do I still go to these things?) were along the lines of "Yay, I have work tomorrow!" …at least I love my job, because my social life at the moment is abysmal. It pretty much consists of an occasional visit with Dana (instant coffee [ick] and me listening to her latest boy-dilemmas) and being cancelled on by the dear grumpy insomniac, or seeing him and feeling shit.
Thank fuck for the Piko girls!

Helpfull Info for the Day:

OOS/RSI has something to do with the build up of lacitc acid in the affected muscles. this is countered best by the B vitamin Pangamate, which is found in brewers yeast, pumpkin seeds and sunflower seeds.
these don't necessarily act as a magical cure, but apparently they're good at relieving the symptoms and speeding recovery. so there you go, OOS sufferers. eat your seeds!
(by the way, they're also good for regulating blood sugar levels as they have a low G.I. (glycaemic index) rating which means that they release their energy over a long period of time, a very good thing. yay for seeds!)

*i'm not at work today*

my flatmate's dad got an Oscar (sound mixing, Lord of the fucking Rings... or course). god, i'm just glad the Oscar hype is going to die down a bit now. yes, i think it's great that they did so well. i don't think of 'they' as 'we' though. surprisingly i managed to sit through most of the awards, not a small feat. what lame acceptance speeches! at least last time there was some emotional anti-war yelling and the likes. and booing, that was fun. but this time was so BORING! see, that's why i don't bother to watch those shows on the whole. celebrities seem to have so little personality (gotta love those broad sweeping generalisations...)

hola!
que pasa? cuando es tu compleanos? veinte de enero?
hasta la vista.

i'd like to learn spanish, i've been saying it for years
i'm yapping on about it but nobody really cares
so i should go and prove myself
and get my brain back off the shelf
and learn this language good and proper
...then fly to peru in my new chopper

what i'll do when i get to peru in my new [non-existent]chopper is yet to be assertained. feel free to make suggestions. i thought maybe i could become a grower of organic coke, surely there'd be a market for that? organic A-class, the creme of the crop...
yay, a career unfolds before me, my parents will be proud (er, maybe not. i'll tell them i'm becoming a corporate lawyer)

aaah, another day over. my neck hurts. lots. fuck this work stuff, it's bad for my health. though today was actually good, i arrived, picked up my pay, looked in the daily log book.... and discovered that someone else was doing my shift for me. so i got on with some packing (6 hours a week is a surprisingly large amount!) and was joined by ariel. the more i have to do with her the more i like her! a very cool woman. i like how straight-up she is. and calm, she doesn't get stressed and anxious. not mentioning anyone who does...
i finally watched "Last Night" last night. it's as good as jeff said, a total head-fuck! really beautiful and moving and honest. one of those movies that really gets under your skin. after watching it i went on a big drive out into the country and scared the crap out of myself by driving too fast on an unfamiliar road in the dead of the night... life affirming stuff! probably a bit stupid though. the end of the movie is so.... i don't know! it's too difficult to explain the emotion. gaaa! i actually wish that i'd watched it on my own, rather than with a friend (though of course i loved spending time with you dana...). it's a pretty lonely kind of movie. who would you choose to spend your last hours on earth with? it's such a fucking hard question. thinking about it depresses me a bit, because i have a sneaking suspicion that i'd end up alone...
enough of this, i'm gonna start crying if i keep at it!

today i went on a shopping mission with my mother. it was not a pleasant experience. firstly i had a few moments of pannicked terror on the drive to the shopping-hell-land, i'm sure there are rules about indicating and such like? or perhaps they don't apply to middle aged kindergarten teachers driving racey alfa romeos...? she's the sort of driver that pisses me off when i'm on the road anywhere near them. so, not a good start to the day. and to make matters *way* worse she'd turned up at my place before i'd had time to make a coffee. you can imagine that my levels of tolerance were already diminished...
and the actual shopping: yuck. crap sweat-shop shoes, crying kids, angry white-trash mums, superficial sales assistants. just the usual. how is it that i forget how awful it is between shopping trips? and that pressure to buy something because otherwise your 'spree' will be unsuccessful. gaaaa!
so please, dear friends, if i ever mention to you that i'm thinking of going shopping with my ma TIE ME TO A CHAIR AND DO EVERYTHING WITHIN YOUR POWER TO STOP ME! thanks.

This internet life is sucking me in. Not that I’m complaining, I like it. Have had a few conversations about it with various people, about whether you can be as close to people on the net as you can in 'meatspace'. I’m as yet undecided. I probably need to spend more time with my net-buddies and see how things pan out. There's a lot of good things about it, I like that it's all very much "when I damn well want to".
Here's news: I’ve been accepted into the Piko Co-op! yay! And apparently it was a unanimous big thumbs up. I was expecting to get in, but actually knowing for sure is a fucking good feeling. The place is definitely starting to feel like home, I think that's a good thing. I figure that if I’m going to be a wage-slave (!) I’d at least like to be enslaved somewhere that I can feel good about being. And Piko is definitely like that.
I like the ‘family’ feel of the place. [look, I’m not being cynical!] Last night I went to a party at one of the girls’ houses and spent most of my time talking with Sabine. Wholly enjoyable, it was really good to get the chance to get to know her better. And she gives a damn good hug… ;-)
And today Ariel was there, it’s always really good working with her. Well actually we weren’t really working together, but her company is always appreciated. Funny how the two people I enjoy the most are the two who I hardly ever get to work with. A bit of a shame really.

Mmm, vanilla good.

you must choose is a brilliant website. rediscovered it recently, it's awful and great at the same time. so at last i've figured out how to do those link-thingies... 3 points for me.

Here's something that really had me laughing, check out the comments on GreenFairy's Feb 23rd post... oh my god!

And just one more thing... check out this page if you want to find out about someone who has really inspired me for a long time.

happy hugs to lovely people
(having a not-so-cynical day... god knows why)
Big Fish was great, go see it.

i've spent so much bloody time wandering around cyber-land that now i've forgotten what i was going to write about. my typing's getting good though...
i'm off to see 'Big Fish' tonight with fishboy (how appropriate). hope it's as good as it looks.
so, who can tell me how to lift heavy boxes to head level without rupturing ones spleen (or other important bits)? my back is so sore. damn physical labour. and whoever would've thought that eroica would end up in a job which required some element of physical ability? hah.
i'm half way through my 7th week at Piko, which means that in a week or so i'll be yayed or nayed by the co-op crew, thus becoming a member or not. eek!
had sabine for a packing buddy this morning, very nice. god, i did nearly 4 hours of packing today, i don't know how i managed it! 3 hours is *definately* enough. after that that madness starts to set in...
something i learned today: sucanat is evaporated cane juice. cool. i can still taste it in the back of my throat. not co cool.
oh, how's this for sweet? a friend came out with this a couple of weeks ago:

"i didn't want to become friends with you because i was so busy, but i just liked you! i don't know what to do about it!"

lucky for me she couldn't help herself, because she's become a very good friend! ha ha, funny girl. i was thinking today about girl versus guy friends. whether there is much fundamental difference. i'll get back to you on that one.
good bye my pretties, take care.
xx

I ADMIT IT, I'M A TERRIBLE FRIEND...
this is stil really bugging me. i forgot jeff's birthday. i feel so SHIT! and i still can't actually get my head around how i managed to totally forget, it's so not me. i'm the one who people come to when they can't remember their mum's birthdays, because i'm *sure* to know. aaargh! i've let the side down. so, jeff, once again i'll tell you how very sorry i am and how much i love and appreciate you. 50 million much. really. so now you all know, i've failed miserably. :-(

a new entry, at last! hooray!
life, as usual, has been a bunch of conflicting and confusing emotions of late. what fun. actually, fun isn't the overriding feeling of the last few weeks. more along the lines of depression and angst.
went to a wedding on saturday. steve and v. it was nice. but i'm still not tempted to get hitched. a certain someone (yes, i'm refering to jeff) managed to arrive after the ceremony had finished... well done. we were all very impressed. [hah]
oh that's right, i was going to write about our anti-valentines day party. the printer smashing went okay. as in, it got smashed. other than that the experience wasn't that great. the photos are funny though, especially the before and after shots. jeff scared me. hadn't seen him doing anything katate-ish before. yikes! and then we went our separate ways and i got horrendously drunk with the girls (was v's hens night) and regretted it all the next day. see, that's why i don't drink. the hangover totaly out weighs the actual drunkness. erk.
shit, this entry is a load of crap. i'm stopping now.

just did a personality-disorder test. here's what it said...

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Moderate
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Very High
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Low
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: Low
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: Low

URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/disorder_information2.html

there's a lot that's hurting at the moment. not drastically, just insistently. and i've got no fucking time to do the stuff i really want to do (like this!).
i need time out. out of mind, preferrably.
frank, i'm going to write about the j+a stuff in the other place. too public here.
taylor, if you happen to read this: stop treating dana like shit! she's worth so much more than you in EVERY WAY! i mean that.
goodbye.
x

i know there's other things i've said i'd write about, but at the moment i want to tell you all about what a freaking moron i can be.
you know how i've mentioned that woman at work who i have a bit of a thing for (hah, bit)? well i was out last night having coffee with a few of the girls (my darlings!) and she walked in. [be still, my heart...] so i got up to say hi and this is what came out of my mouth: "hi! i've been thinking about you all day!"
Doh!
it just kinda popped out. and i somehow managed to save myself and the situation, but i have no idea what i actually said. what a fucking slip! anyways, she said that she'd been thinking about me too (aaargh!), presumably in relation to work-related stuff. ha ha, ain't life a ball. saw her today, tried not to flirt (it was hard!).
and, to make yesterday even more bizarre, i told a customer i was stalking them... a joke obviously... and they didn't laugh. oh fuck. just one of those days. :-)

here's something cool, and oddly fitting: let me set the scene. to those of you who don't know, one of my nicknames is Bobo. i was having a [lame]conversation with my [very quiet] flatmate this morning and somehow got onto Spanish names. so, i got out my Spanish/English dictionary and this is what i found: "Bobo a. silly, stupid. m. idiot, fool."
ha ha, hahah hahah ha. ha ha. i like that. when i go to south america i will be known by some as the village idiot. excellent!

here's a story for you:

"Once upon a time in a land of drifting rain there lived a girl. This girl spent many hours standing in the rain, thinking her thoughts, watching the green frogs in the lily pond. Sometimes others would come and stand with her, though quickly most would retreat back into the warmth of their houses. The girl could understand this, and every so often her tears mingled with the sweet drifting rain because she knew what it was to be alone."

oh what a beautiful morning... shame i have to work today. bah!
had a very strange day at work yesterday. towards the end of the day i began to find everything(!) terribly amusing, resulting in bouts of that uncontrollable laughter that bursts out at the seams because you're trying so hard not to give in to it. almost scared myself. yeah, i kind of did scare myself.
and then i spent about 3 hours helping in a full scale puppy-search. hope he's turned up safe and sound, lisa and steve were pretty stressed. :-(
i've been listening to a lot of kd lang lately. not entirely unusual. though perhaps more consciously at the moment. shit, this is doing my head in. attraction, it pops up in the most bizarre places. and there's so little that can be done about it! i had a laugh with my flatmate the other night about our similar-but-not situations. he's always having crazy times in relationships, i'm always having crazy times out of relationships. i am finding life very amusing at the moment. i think it's rather a case of laughing or crying, and i'm choosing to laugh at the moment. though there has been some crying too.
still finding the jeff and alex thing pretty hard.
it's hard to describe emotional pain. but there is a physical sensation, isn't there? i feel like my chest is caving in. slowly and inevitably. that's the best i can do at describing it.

i feel the need to rant some more about a certain person who was a friend for a long time and now isn't. yeah, you know who i mean. don't really have anything in particular to rant about, just a big misshapen bag of emotional crap. still have lots of resentment, more than i expected. it's all coming to the surface again...
perhaps i'll just not deal with anything that's going on in my head/life. that's worked, er, well in the past. heee. because of that kind of shit i moved to australia for a year. and of course nothing fundamental had changed when i got home... though it was a fucking brilliant year. lots of random snogs (eek! i was so young and stupid!) which have made for lots of random stories (god, how many times have i told the one about falling down the steps at the train station?). carlene, my travelling buddy. how i miss her. how i love her. (hello babe, if you're reading!)
i was feeling pretty low when i arrived at work today. and so were a couple of my workmates. that helped. and i don't mean i was happy that they were feeling shit, but it was nice to feel that affinity with them. i'm growing to care about these people.
i guess i'm just not very happy at the moment. sigh.

ps. he didn't shag her. phew.

gaaa. i hurt. i've had a really shitty headache for the last couple of days and it's just not fucking LEAVING!!! am pissed off and my neck hurts and i just spent a frustrating 3 hours at work [check out my new link!] on my own getting more confused by the moment. nothing is ever straight-forward is it?
and i had a big argument with flatmate last night, about the usual bullshit stuff: rubbish and recycling and dishes and the fact that he's a lazy asshole and i'm a controlling bitch (all true, i do admit). though one good thing came of it, i thought "fuck this" and decided to make a call i've been thinking about for a while. so, i talked to Greg for the first time in over a year. wow. weird. good. he sounds like a bloody aussie! anyways, it was really good to talk to him and i'm extra-looking-forward-to seeing him in may.
i'm in desperate need of a decent coffee, so i'm going to go and hunt one down right about now. ish. yep, probably in a couple of minutes. hmm.

A bit about my ART. Because Frank asked. I paint, mostly. And I stencil, print, sculpt, scratch, spray. And I make a bit of jewellery when the mood takes me, and once in a while I even try out something random like embroidery (actually quite a cool medium, despite the old-lady connotations). At the moment there hasn’t been much of anything getting created. I think a big part of that is due to starting a new job and feeling like I have no time for myself (hah, what a cliché) at present. Thought hopefully as I get into the routine of working I’ll also get back into the routine of finding time to create. *mwah hah hah, I shall once again be the CREATOR*
I just had a thought (quit your sniggering). It’d be cool to get more computer savvy and create some sort of an online art gallery of my stuff. Hmm, something to ponder on.

Sister is now flying. Flap flap. Had rather a horrid drive to the airport in rush hour traffic with too little petrol and a grumpy and unpleasant father. The usual. Somehow it nearly always ends up being me who tries to keep everyone sane and on speaking terms. Rather than yelling/crying/gibbering terms. Dad can be such a prick. Just doesn’t get that it totally wasn’t the time or place to get stressed and pick a fight with mum, Helen quite obviously (or so I thought) didn’t need that added emotional shit to deal with. I’m pretty pissed off with the old man. And at the same time I can see why he acts that way, and I know that a lot of the time he thinks that Helen doesn’t care about him. Which of course is bullshit, but it’s hardly my place to try and sort that pile of steaming shite out. Oh god, why do I even bother…
did you know that this week is "Fuck Nike Week"? Unofficially of course. There have been reports of some interesting stencilled messages around Christchurch. Good for whoever is behind them, I like vandalism with a cause. ;-)
Ses called me last night. Ses, for those of you who don’t know, is a lovely boy I met briefly on his last day in NZ (bloody typical, but that’s another story). He lives in England. And he’s nice. Nice. Perhaps you are aware of how I feel about ‘nice’? I won’t elaborate here. Was sweet of him to call, it’d been ages since we last spoke. I’m sure he had more of an accent than he used to. Sounded more African. Weird.
My head hurts from eating too many green and yellow jellybeans, I’m going to post this and get the flock out of here.
xx

just a note to the esteemable Frank: finaly replied to your comment on the post from jan 18, my apologies for missing it till now!

Hello. ‘Tis me, yes. Surprised? Ah well, maybe next time. How are you all, my dears?
;-)
I feel quite anxious and even slightly emotionally tumultuous today. Perhaps in part due to the 4 coffees I’ve consumed. Perhaps in part due to the fact that my little sis is back off to Italy tomorrow, not to be seen for a long long time. And definitely partly because I have so little control over so many things. Yes, people and destinies (though I’m not entirely sure I even believe in that concept). And I know, too, that I shouldn’t want to control this stuff… but I do! I feel so helpless and fearful. Bugger. Fuck. Arse. It’s so damned hard being a human being! So much complex bullshit to deal with on a daily basis. People, aaargh! I know a few people who relate to that, and at times like this I appreciate them more than ever. I don’t want to pretend that I love everyone and everything, because at the moment I don’t. and people see it as such a bad thing to be cynical and jaded, but I see it as a sane thing.
I’m going to really miss Helen. Though, on a brighter note, I got a text from a friend in Australia saying that she’s headed home. Good-oh. Will be cool to see the little slapper… (heh heh. I’m half joking…)
As to the other things on my overcrowded mind, they’ll have to just hang out for a while. There’s fuck all I can do about any of it really. Must try and stop thinking and feeling, it’s bad for me.
I bid you adieu.
X

Friendship. A ship full of friends. Often heading out towards the horizon rather than the shore. *[snigger. That’s so lame]*
Have been feeling a tad alone of late. Sure, I have lots of dear friends. And lately it feels like things are changing with many of them, and I’m not sure what the future holds. Usually I like that uncertainty. At the moment things seem a bit bleak. I was pretty unhappy about that kind of stuff last night, wasn’t sure if a "friend" actually liked me much. Turns out he does still like me, relief! I have a lot of love for this person and I hope that he knows how great I think he is. Even when he’s being mean or grumpy or smelly. Maybe especially then, I figure that in a way that’s a sign of a good friendship. Liking someone even when they smell and say nasty things. Ha ha. Though, being honest here, I’d like to hear nice things once in a while too. ;-) [xxx]
Anyways. Dunedin was good, rainy, cold, quiet (note to self: try to get into the city before 3am if in search of a night-life). The art was cool. And the basket of wooden blocks in the corridor by the toilets provided a welcome break from the intellectual arty stuff. We made a pyramid. And got some funny looks. Well worth it. Actually, in my experience, if I get weird looks from strangers while doing something it usually means it’s something good to do. Down with normality! Down with conformity! Down with escalators!

i've just been checking out Frank's latest rants. and to be quite honest i'm rather blown away by the list in his latest entry. have a look at:

http://www.frankspace.com/articles/relationshiplessons.html

don't know how to do a direct link thingy, so just copy and paste it into the address bar i guess... (why am i writing that? no doubt you lot know your way round a computer a lot better than i do! wouldn't be too hard)
x